Lover, You Should Have Come Over
by blackeyedgurl
Summary: Angsty Post-Entropy (S.6) eventual Spuffy 'ship. Warren takes Spike hostage after the Magic box incident. Will Buffy save him, or will she be in need of saving herself? Vengeance Demons, SlayerVamp History, & More! Better summary inside!
1. Taken

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all, it's Joss' world, I just like to play in it. All these characters, places, and stuff belong to the following folks, if not others: Joss Whedon, Fox Entertainment, Warner Brothers Network, United Paramount, Kuzui, Sandollar, Mutant Enemy, and the brilliant writers who have made the Buffyverse what we have all come to love and know. I do not profit from this, I only do this for entertainment for all us Buffy fans who can't get enough and who need more. Please don't sue me. You are free to reproduce this story with my written permission, I would love to have a real website to put this stuff on, I would love to win contests, so if you like it, let me know how hard I gotta work it.

Time Frame: Season 6, post Entropy (AKA Anya and Spike do it in the Magic Box, like candid camera but with garden gnomes and without the funny)

Set-Up: In this universe, although I LOVE Darth Rosenberg and all the evilly goodness she represents, Willow doesn't go dark, Tara lives on, and Andrew and Jonathon head off to the 'Big House.' Giles stays in England, Anya is still a Vengeance Demon, Xander is mucho grande pissed at Buffy, Dawn is all confusy, and the best part, Spike never even dreams of raping Buffy (eat that David Fury and Marti Noxon!). This will probably be Angsty, and as always very very very Spuffy. 

POV: Alternating between Spike and Buffy. This modus operandi was inspired by Kallysten's story: 'Baby Steps' go read it immediately.

Rating: R, but its mainly due to my insistent use of the 'F' word. If you asked me, that's more of a 15 & over rating than 17, but hey whatever floats your boat right? There will probably be some graphic stuff later in the story, I'm an adult, my stories are written for adults, if you can't handle that, then go read something more fluffy.

Reviews: This is just a 'trial' chapter, you're feedback will let me know if I should bother continuing. I know I have 3 other stories running right now, but this idea has been swimming like baby fishes in my head for a while, and I had to get it down. So let me know if this is worth continuing; I want to, but it's not exactly worth it when no one wants to read it. 

Inspiration: This story was inspired by a song by Jeff Buckley, from the album: Grace. It's terribly painful, and everytime I hear this song, it makes me die a little bit inside. I always imagine Spike pining away in his crypt to this song. Buy the CD, its worth every painful heart wrenching second.

Looking out the door I see the rain, fall upon the funeral mourners.  
Parading in the wake of sad relations, as their shoes fill up with water.  
Maybe I'm too young, to keep good love from going wrong.  
But tonight, you're on my mind, so I'll never know.  
Broken down and hungry for your love, with no way to feed it.  
Where are you tonight, child you know how much I need it.  
Too young to hold on, and too old to just break free and run.  
Sometimes a man gets carried away,  
When he feels he should be havin' his fun.  
Much too blind to see the damage he's done.  
Oh, sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has no one.  
So, I'll wait for you, and I'll burn.  
Will I ever see your sweet return?  
Oh will I ever learn?  
Lover, you should have come over,  
Cos, it's not too late.

Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in.  
But hurting in the corner, is the only one who dreams he had you with him.  
My body turns, and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come.  
It's never over; My kingdom for a kiss upon the shoulder.  
It's never over; All my riches for her smiles, when I step so soft against her.  
It's never over; All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter.  
It's never over; She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever.  
But maybe I'm too young, to keep good love from going wrong.  
Oh, Lover, you should have come over.  
I feel too young to hold on, and much too old to break free and run.  
Too deaf, dumb and blind to see the damage I've done.  
Sweet lover, you should have come over.  
I'll wait for you. Lover, lover, you should have come over,  
Cos, it's not too late.

* * *

"Was good enough for Buffy..." It was worth saying it just to see the look of horror on Xander's face at the realization of what I had just said. When I looked over to Buffy, I instantly regretted ever thinking something like that. The pain in her eyes, the horror, the incomprehension of what just transpired. I hurt her, I hurt her so badly, and I can see it running through her like blood. But I couldn't have hurt her if she really felt nothing. Anya finally figured out who I had been lamenting over, who I was trying to forget, who I was running from just as fast as she was running from the wanker. Anya was too quick a solution to the problem I had, feeling empty, alone, abandonded, and most of all put-off. 

She didn't think I could see it, when we were together I knew. I could see it, there in her eyes, golden sparks in the green, somewhere beyond her soul were the feelings she tried so hard to lock away. I may not be the smartest man on this planet, but I am by no means blind. Somewhere in me, I knew that it didn't matter how she felt if she couldn't admit it to herself, to her friends, to me. It's too simple for me to think she saw it in me as well, that's part of missing a soul, you have nothing left to hide behind, but she wasn't looking to see anything in me. 

I went to Willy's after the debacle. Whiskey and blood make for a wicked night. As if drinking hadn't got me in enough trouble, I needed more. I only wished it were possible to drink myself to death. When I was at the brink he walked in. Warren. As if I didn't have enough to deal with, now one of the evil trio walks right in to my world, and I'm defensless, even if it weren't for the booze, I still couldn't do a thing to stop him. 

"Spike."

"Wanker."

"Yeah, great to see you too."

"Sod off."

"Aw, come on now, what's wrong. Girl troubles got you down? If you asked me, you should just kill the bitch, really makes life so much easier."

"Can't."

"Wow, let's not be too talkative."

"Not much for talkin' now. Here with my friend Jack, have you met Mr. Daniels?" I asked handing him the bottle. There were two Warrens in my vision, but I knew that only one was there. "Where your mates at?"

"Jail. Slayer got 'em locked up, stupid bitch, ruinin' all my plans.."

"Here, here! So the midget and the pouf are gone? Good riddance."

"Yeah, I'm goin' solo. Evil's not really a team sport, I mean there is no we in evil, but there is an I."

"Good luck with that." I turned back to my bottle, refilling my half-empty glass. "Willy! Blood, now." Willy brought over a shot glass of blood poaring it in my glass. 

"So, now that I'm all alone I have to figure out a way to lure out the slayer."

"Kidnappin' one of her pals always seems to work. But not the witch, not now, she'll skin you alive. Touch Dawn and I'll kill you personally. Take Xander, the wanker, he deserves it, some torture would do him fine."

"I was thinkin' about that." Warren said, I didn't see it coming, but I should have. He pulled out the taser, and the last thing I remember is knocking my glass clean off the bar, the charge of electricity, and falling.

* * *

My head throbbed, but it wasn't clear if it was from the fall or from ingesting my weight in whiskey. I was chained up in a basement, story of my unlife, always chained up to something aren't I?

"You're awake, finally." It was Warren, vaguely I remembered seeing him the bar.

"The bar, you were there." He was standing in a patch of sunlight created by one of those little basement windows, too smart.

"Yeah I was. Figured you were the easiest one of Buffy's little pals to grab up, all drunk and helpless. I'm not as stupid as you look."

"Helpless? Hardly."

"Well from what I figured out about that chip in your brain, you can't lay a finger on me."

"Step out of the sun and we'll test that theory." Like I could even stand up if I wanted to.

"Sorry. Can't do that, have to let the slayer know I'm holding you hostage. Got any suggestions on how to tell her?"

"A rock throught he window has been over done, I don't recommend it."

"I was thinking a ticker tape parade, but who knows what the hell ticker tape is anyways right? I was thinking of letting her little sister know. She likes you, she'll be the most willing to tell her."

"Touch Dawn, and I'll..." Kill you, you son of a bitch, the migraine will be worth every bleedin' second of it.

"You'll what? Lick me to death? Please, I won't hurt her, unless I have to." Warren turned to leave the room, "School should be letting out right about now, better catch her on her way home. Don't look so sad, the slayer'll come for you, and you'll be back in your crypt before you know it."

"What makes you think she'll come after me?"

"I heard you two in the graveyard the other night. She'll come."

I hung my head low. She won't come for me, got no reason to risk her hide for the likes of me. I'll probably end up going bug shaggin' crazy from hunger, and eventually waste away to the point where I'm nothing but a ghost in a shell. Damn Red, why'd she have to bring her back? Things were so much easier when she was dead, painful yes, but at least I knew I couldn't have her cos she was 6 feet under. Now though, she's always there, just at the ends of my fingertips, just out of reach, just beyond my vision, a mirage of paradise in the desert of my lonliness. 

* * *

"BUFFY!" Dawn screamed and jolted me out of my little world. I had been zoned out for at least a half an hour. Tonight I had to work at the Doublemeat Palace, and the only way to make that place sufferable was to day dream before going. Dawn ran up the stairs and threw the door of my room open. "Buffy! Warren. Spike. Captured. Hostage." Dawn was out of breath.

"Spike has Warren held hostage?"

"No, Warren has Spike, he's holding him hostage. Something about if you don't meet Warren he's gonna stake Spike."

"So what."

"So what?!?!? Are you crazy? You can't let him stake Spike, not after, after, after everything he's done for us!"

"And who he's done for us." Bastard, stupid stupid vampire.

"What? You're not going to save him because he had sex with Anya?"

"Dawn!"

"Please, I know all about it. Not a kid anymore remember?" 

Great it's always someone holding someone I know hostage. If it isn't Dawn, it's Willow and Xander, and now Spike. This is just great. 

"Dawn, I have to go to work." I got up and looked in the mirror. Orange polyester should be criminal.

"I thought the two of you had something special, but you really don't give a shit about him do you?"

"Dawn! Language!"

"You could care less if he lives or dies. I can't even believe you. He could have told Glory about me, he could have skipped town after you died, but no, he'd endure hours of torture, some of which involved playing rummy with a teenaged girl, becuase he made a promise to you, because he loved you." Dawn if you only knew the half of it. I do care, I care too much, about yet another vampire. This one minus that pesky soul the other couldn't keep around me.

"Dawn, I care, but I have a mortgage to pay, and I don't see you or Willow trying to help me do that."

"I'm a kid! Willow's going through some stuff."

"Yeah, now you're a kid. Whatever Dawn, I'll worry about this after work."

"Warren said you have 72 hours, 3 days to make your decision."

"Decision?" I almost laughed, Warren had tried some pathetic stuff in his day, but this was just sad.

"To meet with him. Either you meet with him, at a place of his choosing, when he wants to, or Spike becomes a big pile of ashes."

"Terriffic. Walk into a trap or Spike gets it."

"You want me to go to the Magic Box and round up the troops for some Spike save-age?"

"Cos I'm sure they would be thrilled to help. Xander might bring his new girlfriend, Bud Lite, and Anya might, god only knows what she's capable of now. And Willow? Yeah, she's so stable right now. Don't worry Dawn, I'll take care of this, I always do."

"So, you'll do it? You'll meet with Warren? Get Spike back?"

"Yeah, sure whatever. I have to go." Go sell my soul for free mystery meat and enough cash to scrape by until next week. Great, Spike is going to be so thrilled at the notion of being the damsel in distress. Now I can't get away with the 'I feel nothing' song I've been singing. If that were true there's no way I would save him. It's not love, well I don't think it is, it's been so long, and who knows if they've even felt love before? I loved Angel, and I thought I loved Riley, but I still couldn't give either of them all of me. The darker side of me, the dangerous part, the monster that needs to be fed occasionally. The demon inside of me, which lurks right below the surface, right under the radar, what makes me the slayer. Spike has seen it, too many times, in too many ways, but he hasn't run from it either. Maybe that's why I feel something, he isn't afraid of me, the real me, that sometimes even I am scared of.


	2. Burning

**Authors Note:** You like me you really like me! Or at least the story, so I will continue. But trust me when the reviews stop, so does the writing, so tell your friends, tell your dog (if he can type reviews, and in which case you should get him on TV cos that's amazing), just leave a review, a note to let me know you're reading this. I was not aware that this story is very closely like a story by **Mita427**, a wonderful story called **'She Will Come'** which all of you should go read and worship and feed Mita many reviews, cos if you don't she will in fact starve to death. I appologize for any similarities, cos I honestly didn't know, but as Spike is my witness this story will be different, although I may take to her begging stylings, so I completely credit her for that. I also realized that I wasn't too clear on placement of the story so here it goes: post Entropy, BUT this story still has refrence to 'Seeing Red.' So to clarify, take 'Entropy' add 'Seeing Red' minus the Tara shooting and Spike attack (for instance my story sort of begins after Buffy smashes Warren's orbs ::chuckle::) and that equals the actual placement of my story. I also didn't intend Buffy to come off as mean, she's still all angsty and full of pain and stuff, cos I thought that the ME family tried to clear up Buffy's foulness and depression too tidily, and well I like my Buffy messed up. So here we goes with chapter two, I'm not sure where this path will lead us, but I am pretty sure the journey will be worth it. So stick around will you? PS: This chapter was done 2 days ago, but my computer ate half of it and Fanfiction screwed up the upload, and well, it was a real mess, so I'm sorry this took so long.

* * *

What is wrong with me? I burned my hand in the grill because I wasn't paying attention and now my manager wants to send me to the hospital to get it looked at. Something about grease burns being very messy and workman's comp, and I'm not hearing any of it. I didn't even feel it when I burned it. Fire still can't burn me can it? I couldn't concentrate on work anyways. All I see is Warren, Warren of all people doing terrible things to Spike, and it hurts. It hurts me in a way the grill can't, it hurts me down to my core, it hurts my soul. The soul I wasn't sure was still there. I had actually questioned whether or not Willow remembered to put that back in my body after raising me, because the emptiness was so vast I doubted she had done it. Now I know its there. He made me realize it was still there. 

Sue dropped me off at the emergency room, but as soon as she pulled away I left. Walking home I tried to figure out what I could do, could I find Spike and rescue him before Warren tortured him? Maybe I should just meet with him, let him get his ya-yas out, playing alpha male, I just don't know what I'd do if Spike was really gone. The thought had dawned on me before, I had actually prayed he would just disappear, so I wouldn't have to deal with him. But now I can't deal without him.

"Penny for your thoughts?" It was Tara, standing on the porch.

"How about a dollar?"

"I thought you were at work."

I raised my bandaged hand, "I burned my hand, they sent me home."

"I'm sorry."

"It's cool, it's my fault anyways."

"Not about your hand, Dawn told me about Spike. She was near hysterical. I made her some tea and sent her to bed, she's really worried about him, and you."

"It's okay, I can take care of it."

"It's not okay Buffy, I can tell." Tara sat down on the step and I joined her. It was so strange that the two people I could trust through all of this were Tara and Spike, the two who had played parents to Dawn when I was gone, now took care of me too.

"I'm scared Tara, scared of so much. What if Warren dusts him? What if I'm too late? Warren's not exactly trustworthy, what if he already dusted Spike? And why do I even care? I mean after everything, the Anya thing, the demon eggs, why do I care?"

"Do you love him? You know I don't care if you do, I've told you before. It's okay to love him."

"I was using him, but when he was gone it was harder to do everything. It's not love, I don't think it's love. When I stopped spending time with him, everything got harder and more confusing and painful." and heavy, everything was so heavy, I wanted to say it, but it sounded stupid.

"Maybe you weren't using him, maybe you need him."

"Or maybe I'm really fucked up and need decades of therapy I will never be able to afford."

"We'll take care of Warren, you know that."

"Did you tell anyone else?"

"Willow knows, I think she told Xander. He hasn't left the apartment in 3 days, she's worried about him."

"Great. Xander's probably on the phone with Warren asking if he can assist in any way."

"No he isn't. He's hurting, but he's not insane."

We got quiet for a minute. Tara put her arm around me. Sitting on this porch, feeling this way, it was so familiar. Then it struck me, the last time I felt like this was when I found out mom was sick. I was so confused, terrified, lost, and he made it all better, he made it quieter, Spike. Tears started to creep to my eyes. I tried so hard to hold them back, but I couldn't they had been ocming for a long time.

"Tara? It hurts so much. I thought it would get better, after some time, that I would feel better about being here, but I don't. It's all so hard, and I don't know how I did it before. And I feel bad, cos I can't talk to Willow or Xander or even Giles. I feel so guilty."

"You let us help, that's how you did it."

"I don't know what I'd do without you, or Spike. I need both of you, you take care of me, cos I'm in pieces and when you're around it's easier to hold it together."

"Shh.. It's okay, I'm not going anywhere, and we'll get Spike back, don't worry about it." Tara held me, and rocked me back and forth. I had 48 hours to figure out how to get him back, or to risk my luck with Warren. What ever happened to the good old days?

* * *

If the wanker probes me one more time with his stupid shock stick, I may have to summon something to eat him. That is if I can remember how to summon some of my demon friends. Yeah, that's it I have demon friends! 

"You know boy, even if the Slayer doesn't show, I have some very good demon friends who will be looking for me, and they'll find me, and you. They'd be more than happy to eat a sadist." He's got the stick again, "Hey, easy there! You've shocked me enough today. Lay off!"

"Why would they bother coming after a demon killer, or are you talking about the demons you owe kittens to? I've got my ear to the underground Spike, I know more than you could imagine. A demon killer, that's what you are now, what you've been reduced to. You're a pathetic excuse for evil. You were the big bad, and now you're just the Slayer's boy toy. What would you're sire have to say about this?"

"She'd sing a nice round of 'I told you so' I reckon." Dru! Dru would save me, where are you Dru? Can you feel the sire-childe bond? Do you know I'm in trouble? Do you know your own sodding name!?! Of course, as luck would have it, I was sired by the craziest bitch in the northern hemisphere!

Warren was pacing around, it started to make me uncomfortable. "You know Buffy is going to find a way to get me out of here. I'm sure the wicked witch of the east and Glinda are doing a locator spell right now. Any minute now the slayer's gonna come barrelin' through the door. You might want to just let me go and save yourself the trouble."

"Sorry Spike, but I really can't do that, see if I don't have you I might have to go after the little sister, and I know you would hate for me to pick so sweet a flower." 

Of course, he knows I would rather let him kill me than have him lay a hand on the platelet. I'll figure something out, he has to leave or sleep some time. I can come up with a plan. Then again I'm not really one for the planning, prefer to fly by the seat of pants in the decision making arena. Well, there's a first time for everything.

"Besides my lair is mystically protected, all the locator spells in the world can't break through."

"You don't know how powerful they are, even apart those two girls are something, but put them together, and they could blow the roof off this town. Might not want to mess with them, I have a hankering that any day now, Red's gonna lose her marbles and you might not want to be around when she does."

"They don't scare me, nothing scares me, I'm invincible, nothing can hurt me or stop me, this is just the way things are. And all the slayers and all their meddling little dyke friends in the world won't change that."

Warren got up to leave, thank god, if I have to listen to any more of his prattling, I might just stake myself. Thinkin' he's the high and mighty. Just wait! I'll show the bugger who's still the big bad around here! Now let me think about how I'm gonna get out of here...

"And just so you don't go sitting around all day thinking up ways to escape, here's a little gift from your old friends at the inititive, funny, but they left behind some really amazing stuff, including files on a certain Hostile 17 who was AWOL." Warren has a syringe, and OW! he stuck it in my arm, and oh no things are getting... sleepy so sleepy...


	3. Wishes

**Author's Note: **'ello all. This is coming along nicely, although I'm having a spell of the old writers block. Lately I've been getting a lot of inspiration from songs. Some songs are just so perfect to what I want to say or how to say it or hell they just make me feel somehting that I know I have to get down. Seeing as this story was partially based on the inspiration garnered from 'Lover You Should Have Come Over' I may be putting other songs that are pushing this story on into the mix. This chapter begins this. It won't be every chapter, and I'm trying my best to not make this into some sort of horrid song-fic (which I have no problems with, it's just there are only so many Evanescence songfics one can read before becoming jaded.). So enjoy the inspiration for Chapter 3: Superhero. As always I'm a review whore (like being love's bitch only without the love), so won't you toss me a few reviews? And oh yeah, there are lines throughout my stories which have been stolen directly from the show, those are the intellectual property of whoever wrote them, and I mean copying is like a sign of greatness, so don't sue me. Thanks!

_sleep walking through the all night drug store, baptized in flourescent light  
i found religion in the greeting card aisle, now i know hallmark was right.  
and every pop song on the radio, is suddenly speaking to me  
yeah art may imitate life, but life imitates t.v.  
'cuz you've been gone exactly 2 weeks, 2 weeks and 3 days  
and lets just say that things look different now, different in so many ways  
i used to be a super hero, no one could touch me, yeah not even myself  
but you are like a phone booth that i somehow stumbled into  
and now look at me, i am just like everybody else_

_if i was dressed in my best defenses, would you agree to meet me for coffee?  
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors, would you still know which one was me?  
if i was naked and screaming on your front lawn, would you turn on the light and come down?  
screaming, 'there's the asshole who did this to me, stripped me of my power, stripped me down.'  
i used to be a superhero, no one could hurt me, yeah not even myself  
you are like a phone booth i somehow stumbled into  
and now look at me, i am just like every body else_

_yeah you've been gone exactly 2 weeks, 2 weeks and 3 days  
and now i'm a different person, different in so many ways  
tell me what did you like about me, and don't say my strength and daring  
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy, and it's my first time, for that sort of thing  
i used to be a super hero, i would swoop down and save me from myself  
but you are like a phone booth that i somehow stumbled into,  
and now look at me, I am just like everybody else. -ani difranco, 'superhero' from the album Dilate_

* * *

"And you know what was the worst part? She called me William. That's right, using my given name like it meant something to her." I was rambling, it was more because of the incredible amount of alcohol Warren had supplied me with in conjunction with my blood. "And I was pratt enough to fall for it!"

Warren had been sitting back, enjoying listening to this. It might have been my self-preservation instinct working over time but I knew the more I talked the less time he would have to kill me. Well not exactly less time, more like as along as I was talking I knew I wasn't dead, plus he seemed amused.

"That bitch deserves to be punished Spike. I can't believe you let the slayer play you like that."

"I never said it was Buffy, bah! like I'd touch her." Liar, liar bloody pants on fire.

"Spike, I told you, I heard the conversation in the graveyard, something about you wanting her to tell her friends about the two of you, she being like 'I tried to kill them, and they still love me, I doubt fucking you is gonna make a difference.'"

"Oh, yeah. Well still, she took advantage of me. Had no right she did. Treatin' me like her little tin soldier."

"Don't you wish you could make her pay? Let her know how it feels?"

"She knows how I feel, felt that way when Peaches walked out. When Captain Cardboard ran out of her life. She _knows_ how I feel."

"You know, I could help you."

"It all started when they put this chip in my head, stupid government, thinkin' they could control us demons. Before that I wanted nothin' more in this world than to have her dead, innards spread as far as the eye can see, her head, preferably on a stick, me licking the blood off my lip. That's how it should be, not me chasing her about makin' moon eyes. Vampire kills slayer before slayer kills vampire, that's the way it's always been; its the natural order of things."

"So the problem is the chip? We take away the chip and everything is fine?"

"See, I could kill Buffy. Chip don't fire on her anymore. Not sure why, that's why I had you and your band of buggered look at it. Thought it was broken, but it wasn't she's the broken one."

"Really? how is she broken?"

"Came back from the dead wrong. Fancy that, magicks going terribly wrong, what a bleedin' surprise that was!" I started laughing, the liquor had taken over my thoughts a while back, but I didn't care, he was just gonna stake me any ways.

"Came back from the dead? What do you mean?"

"I mean she was dead, 6 feet under, buried and all that rot. Threw herself off the tower to save the world, stupid girl. Red, Red brought her back, forgot about the digging up, let her claw her way out like some animal. Like, well like a vampire. Ever since then she ain't been right. I mean, she's still the slayer, and she's still my Buffy, but somethin's changed about her. Can't put my finger on it, but the chip doesn't fire with her any more. Chip only fires when I try to hurt humans, so I'm thinkin' she came back with a bit more demon in 'er."

"Well, that's an interesting twist. What if I told you I could fix you, make you what you were, a fierce dark warrior? What if I could make you _the_ vampire in town?"

"Sorry, but I already am. I'm the master vampire, even though I'm neutered, no one in this town is older than me. I'm the shit."

"But what if I could give you back the power?"

"You know, I've been offered this gig before. Big bloke, made up of bits n' pieces of other blokes and demons, offered me the same, but he couldn't come through. Then there was the doctor, fooled Harmony and myself, big time."

"Harmony Kendall? Annoying bitchy blonde girl?"

"Yup, vampire, but I can't imagine she was much nicer in real life, real pain in my ass. But anyways, I don't really fancy you poking about in my head."

"I wouldn't need to."

"What?"

"Let's just say that your friend Anyanka and myself have a bit more in common than you think."

"You're a..."

"Vengeance Demon? Yeah. Funny story. So I rocket away when Buffy shows up and smashes my orbs. My best friends get hauled in to jail, and well, it's not like I'm gonna rescue them. But now all my plans are foiled, and Jonathon, Jonathon of all people double crossed me! I was pretty upset, so this dude with horns shows up and offers me the gift of the wish. But it gets better! I'm immortal, have kick ass strength and super powers, its like everything we worked so hard for, and it just got handed to me."

"But Anya's the vengeance demon for scorned women, and that Halkrek bird is all about the bad parents, what's your deal, freaks and geeks?"

"Betrayed friends. Quite simple really, lots of work too. Did I mention I can teleport?"

"But I 'aven't been betrayed."

"Yes you have. Do you want the list alphabetically or in chronological order? I mean, Spike, you've gotten screwed your whole life, it's a huge surprise that you haven't been contacted by one of us before."

"But what specifically was it this time around?"

"She isn't going to show. Buffy is going to betray you, I sorta set it up that way. So this is like a preemptive strike. A pre-betrayal action."

"You can't do that, goes against all you're demony rules. I should know, dated a few vengeance demons in my day, Dru never liked 'em, but I know they have rules."

"Screw the rules. I'm not much on following the rules. I could care less actually. What's the worst that happens? D'Hoffryn turns me mortal again? I haven't had a 1000 year reign of terror, so it's not like it'll be a huge adjustment. I just want to give the slayer what she has coming, what she deserves. Think about it, easy pickin's, you can eat the witches, Xander Harris, all of them, and that will hurt her more than beating on her."

A chance to be me again. A chance to leave this whole mess behind, to move forward. Maybe find Dru, head back to Europe. Europe's always good for mayhem. A spot of real violence would do me fine. No more pig's blood from novelty mugs, no more cows blood, nothing but human straight from the vein. She would hate me for this. Stake me on the spot. Maybe that'd be for the best, then I wouldn't have to deal with her ever again, I could go to hell and spend the rest of eternity forgetting about her. Her, what she does to me, should be criminal. All I did was love her, but she can't handle that, can't handle someone not treating her like shit. Can't handle the fact that someone like me, an evil, souless thing, could feel something like love for her.

"I wish to be returned to my former self so Buffy can get what she deserves." The words fell out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

Warren laughed, his face morphed to look much like Anya's. "Well consider it done."

* * *

The dreams started again last night. I thought they were finally gone, but they've returned. It's like that night I thought I killed Katrina. Only without all the destruction. Spike comes to me, in my bed, and comforts me. He holds me, and tells me everything will be alright, even though I know he's only saying it, it makes me feel better. I curl up in the coolness of his embrace and the blood that feels as though it could boil right through my flesh is calmed. He wants so badly to treat me well, with kindness, and I just don't know how to deal with that. It's like I want to be punished. I didn't ask to come back here, and he's the only one who doesn't ask me to be normal, but he's also the only one who is willing to inflict pain on me, even if I have to beg him to do so. But in these dreams, I don't want that from him, I want his peace, if anything he is at peace with himself. He is sated in his skin, he now knows his place even if it isn't where he wanted to be. I don't know those things anymore. But in his arms, I feel that peace, as if where I am supposed to be is right there, at that moment. And for a second I am free again.

Dawn wakes me up early, corrupting my happy place, my contentment, my freedom. Squealing about how we have to get to the Magic Box and how Tara and Anya have come up with a plan. Great, the horribly meddling Anya, if it weren't for her none of this would have happened. I wish she hadn't come here, where's a vengeance demon when you really need one? Dawn goes ahead of me, I need to shower the grease out of my hair from yesterday. I barely care enough to do that anymore. There isn't much holding me back from street urchin chic.

I turn the water on as hot as it will go. I can't feel it anyways. It can't hurt me, nothing done to my flesh can hurt as much as the pain inside of me. Sometimes it scares me, because I can understand how it must feel to be Faith. I don't patrol anymore, I hunt, I am god out there, killing me can't stop me. I almost can fathom how hollow she felt, how easy it was to go over that edge and completely embrace the shadow within. It's there, the demon inside of me. He sees it, Spike knows it's there, a demon who's hunger is similar to his own. That's why we're supposed to kill the vampires, to keep us from becoming them. I wonder how many slayers gave up the dance before me, how if in that moment their demon realized it. That what they were killing was made of the same stuff as themselves. Maybe that's why they faltered, not because they gave up, but because they saw the truth. The dance isn't fun when you realize you've only been dancing with yourself.

I drag my carcass, yes I call myself a carcass, cos sometimes that's how it feels, down to the Magic Box. Anya is sparkly and cheery, and I just want to rip her perfect little head off. It must be nice to embrace the demon within, she seems so happy with it. Tara is buried in a book, with Dawn next to her, doing the same. As much as I love and thank Tara, I also envy her. Dawn doesn't have half that respect for me. 

"So I hear there's a plan." 

"Yes, it's very exciting." Anya beamed.

I sit down on one of the counters. Waiting for them to explain.

Tara started, "N-n-now I don't know how you're going to feel about this. But we haven't discussed this with Willow or Xander."

"So that you know there is no outward disapproval, because we are not nearly as judgemental as the two of them." Anya said with a smile.

"But we were thinking, Anya's a vengeance demon, she likes to work with scorned women."

"I'm considering branching out to men, Hallie says its a new age and that the whole women's lib thing really has turned the tables on the scorning."

"Could you stop so I can tell her?" Tara asked Anya.

"Yes, I was just saying..." Anya looked peeved, but got over it quickly.

"Well, in a sense you've been scorned. I mean Spike hurt you when he..."

"Boinked my brains out post sexy-dance performance."

"And that too. Technically, Anya can grant you a wish. You could wish that Spike had never been captured, and ta-da Spike isn't captured any more."

Dawn beamed, "Isn't it genius? Tara and I were talking and all of a sudden it was like, hello ton of bricks!"

"A wish? Doesn't this usually go terribly wrong? I mean with Cordelia, and then Dawn..." I wasn't too sure about this.

"Oh lighten up Summers, it only goes badly when you aren't specific, or when you are too broad, or when you ask for something that involves the folding of time, that never ends well, neither does evisceration." Anya explained.

"I don't know, I mean this is kinda tricky, wouldn't it be easier to find Warren and kick his ass a lot?" What would I wish for? That Spike had never come here? That he had never fallen in love with me? No I can't wish that, cos then Dawn might be dead. Just something as simple as I wish Warren hadn't abducted Spike? I mean with a wish something that lame just seems well, lame.

"Come on Buffy, this is so simple, I mean, make the wish, and poof Anya grants it. Everything is right with the world, no magic was used, no asses were kicked and life returns to normal." Dawn was whining.

"Well, not exactly normal, I mean it would mean we would lose time up to the time he was taken. Which is just a teensy time fold, only 24 hours really, nothing that will overly corrupt our dimension. And only Buffy would remember what lead up to the events, well, her and myself and any other vengeance demon who happens to be effected. But the rest of your puny mortal brains will have no memory of today." Anya clarified.

"But you said..."

"When I said time folding didn't turn out well, that's cos most people want me to go back years, you know, make sure so and so was never born, and well, that is usually at least a 20 year fold, and it doesn't always work well."

"Like when Cordelia wished I had never come to Sunnydale."

"Exactly. She was thrown into a world that was not her own, 24 hours ago, the world is still the same, 24 days ago, well, it starts getting tricky."

"Would you be able to drop me where he was taken from? So I could guarantee he isn't taken."

"Yeah, I guess so, that wouldn't be a huge deal. You wish it, I dish it, that's the deal."

"So what you're saying is I can add things to specify it down, like where I want to be and what I want to happen."

"Yeah."

It didn't even take me a second to think about what I wanted. "I wish to prevent Spike's abduction, take me to the place he was taken from so I can stop Warren." 

Anya's face transformed into it's demonic guise, "Granted."


	4. Like Deja Vu, But Not

**Author's Note:** This chapter is for Jenny. She reads all my stuff no matter what, and every Wednesday night there is always email from her about Angel. I don't know what I'd do without her. She keeps me writing, and well she's the only one I can spaz out over Angel stuff to. So Jenny, this one's for you. And girl, this chapter is thanks to you being there in a writing crises. So do you wanna be like Jenny? Do you want chapter dedicated to you with much kudos and praise and worship? Well it's simple silly, REVIEW. Are you a writer? Everyone who reviews also gets their favorites and stories checked out by yours truely, cos I read as much as I write around here. So unlike some folks who strictly do the writing thing, I do both, if you wanna get read, review me. Also check out my favorite stories and writers if you are looking for more awesome Buffy and Angel stories. There are some great writers out there, and we should all support each other cos it's not like we're making money off of this! Thanks!

It was like a flash, and then everything was different. I was standing in Willy's bar. At the far end of the bar was Spike, looking miserable. There was a near empty bottle of whiskey in front of him. I could only predict he had consumed the majority of it. Warren was no place to be seen, which meant Anya hadn't screwed this up. At least she's good at her vengeance gig. I walked down, as I did, I didn't let my eyes stray from him. Half-way there something flashed in his eyes, he looked startled, but then continued drinking. 

"It's like vu jade." He said as I walked up.

"Don't you mean deja vu?"

"Tomatoe, Tomahto. What you want slayer? Can't you see a man's drownin' his sorrows here?"

"I'm sorry, Spike."

"She's sorry! Well 'in't brilliant! You know, I don't have to put up with this, it's just some scheme to get Spike flat on his back and handcuffed to a bed. I'm not falling for it this time sweetheart. Go ahead Goldilocks kick my ass, but you will have to knock me unconscious to get m' pants off!"

"What? Eww. God no Spike, I'm not here to have sex with you, but I think half the bar is willing to take you up on the offer."

"Willy! More blood, and some whiskey too. You want somethin' slayer? I'm buyin' and you know how cheap I am."

"Buffy and alchohol are non-mixy things, so no thanks."

"Hiya Buffy." Willy tentatively addressed me.

"Hey Willy."

"I didn't do nothin' I don't know nothin'" Willy was always defensive.

"I'm here to see Spike, don't freak."

"Want something to drink? On the house for not breaking down the door" 

"Does everyone want me drunk? A world of no. But thanks." Willy set down Spike's things and walked away.

"What do you want slayer?" Spike's words were starting to slurr together. No wonder Warren had no trouble grabbing him.

"I want to take you home. I think it's time for you to go home Spike, you're trashed for one, and it'll be dawn soon, don't need you catching a nasty case of dust."

"Why'd you care? Thought I was an evil soulless disgusting thing."

"You are now, but once sobered up you lose the disgusting clause."

"Fuck off blondie, can take care of m'self" He tried to swat at me, but lost his balance and fell off the barstool. "What? Why'm I on the floor? Where's my bottle?"

I leaned down, passed him the bottle of whiskey. "You can have that if I can take you home."

"Is that an offer? Knew you had it bad for me Summers."

"Sure Spike, it's an offer. Whatever, get up."

"Can't, legs no work."

I picked him up and put his arm over my shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here." He was not helping himself move, "God you're like a dead weight."

"Ha, that's cos I'm dead princess, don't you forget it. Grr.. I'm tha big bad." He said it into my neck and I could feel the words vibrating off of my flesh. I wondered for a second what it would be like to let him bite me. I wonder if I could feel that. I probably shouldn't open up to that idea because knowing Spike he won't be able to control himself, and pretty soon it'd be bye bye Buffy.

"Yeah, the big bad drunk, come on." As I dragged him out, I saw Warren walk in. I wanted to stop and knock his block off, but I couldn't risk him grabbing up Spike again. That would have made my wish useless, and somehow had me flashing back to the hour that would never end at the Magic Box. It was a bad idea.

"Hey Slayer." Warren remarked in that overly superior tone of his.

"Warren, what no robot date?"

"Funny. You're a funny girl."

"Hairy, you're a hairy man."

"I'm not here to start any trouble. Just getting my drink on."

"What, they don't let you in the Bronze anymore? Not since you sexually harassed half the girls and beat up many of the guys? I mean I've been the cause of many a remodel over there and they still let me in. Oh, wait, I forgot they instituted a no losers policy didn't they?"

"Laugh all you want slayer, but you're going to get what you deserve. Now excuse me, but I have a date with a vodka martini." Warren hadn't even looked twice at Spike. He probably knew I would kick his ass into next week if he tried to grab him now. Go Buffy! Your wish just came true.

I dragged Spike back to my house. He passed out long before that. His crypt was too far away, and dawn was way too fast aproaching. He looked so peaceful, so dead when he was asleep, which I know I should expect but it still seems wierd. I put him in my bedroom, my shades are thicker than the ones in the living room. I peeked in Willow's room to see Tara fast asleep in her arms. Well, it was nice to know that someone's relationship was going to work out. Dawn was asleep too. I put Spike in my bed, taking his shirt off, but going nowhere near his pants. I didn't want to have to explain that one in the morning. His chest was so perfect, pale, but muscular in a swimmer's body sort of way. I'll admit it, I had to reach out and touch him. But that doesn't make me a bad person. I just rescued him from Warren, so running my hand down his chest was no big. I grabbed a pillow and blanket off my bed, and settled onto the floor. I laughed as I remembered the first night Angel had spent the night here, sleeping on my floor. Strange how times change but some things sorta remain the same. 

It was somehow easier to fall asleep knowing he was safe. Knowing he was so close that if I cried out in the night, he would be the first one to comfort me. It made me feel safer. I laid there looking up at him, and once I was settled I reached up and touched his hand, "Goodnight William." I let go if it, and sank back down, falling asleep more quickly than I had in weeks.

* * *

This is not my crypt. For one, it's too light, for two it reeks of Buffy. My head is absolutely pounding. For someone who's blood doesn't pump, I sure am capable of one bad assed hangover. The clock next to the bed says it's 1:30, I'm predicting that it's the afternoon because of the heat I feel radiating from the window. The ticking noise is enough to drive me mad. Thanks to the booze it feels like every tick it slowly severing my spinal cord, which is not a pleasant feeling.

My shirt is over there on the chair. And for a second I think perhaps I got lucky the night before. Maybe Buffy had finally come to her senses, but I quickly realize the other half of the bed has not been slept in. That and the fact that I nearly trip over her getting out of bed. She's all bundled up on the floor, sound asleep. I remembered I had a pint of blood in the freezer, but in order to get there I had to go downstairs. Dawn's room was empty, as was the witches room, the scent of sex dripping from everything in it. Well it was nice to know someone had a good night, someone who wasn't Dawn. If her room ever smelled like that I would hunt the bastard down and, do what exactly? Hire a friend to kill him? Bugger.

After finishing off a pint of the good old pigs blood, I realized I was trapped. My blanket was at the crypt, and the flimsy excuse for an afghan in this house would reduce me to ashtray filler in seconds. It was prime opportunity to get caught up on my stories, on a tellie which wasn't half static. I really need to save up and get me one of them dishes with the 250 channels, then I'd never have to leave my crypt. The afternoon wore on and the slayer was still asleep. No wonder she could barely afford the mortgage when she slept as much as she did.

I was dosing off when I heard the back door creak open. It was too early for the bit to be home, and both witches I assumed were still out frolicking and the like. Right, a perfect opportunity to save Buffy's ass once again. I grabbed a baseball bat out of her weapons chest. Nothin like the classics when it comes to knock 'em out fun. I waited for whatever it was to come through the kitchen and into the living area.

"Hey, Buff..." I knocked the wanker out before I realized what happened. It was Xander, of course it was bloody Xander! Now I had it coming. She was going to stake me, no doubt about it. He was on the ground moaning. "Jesus Spike, if I had a bat I'd greet you the same." He sat up and got his barings. "Wait, what are you doing here? Are you hurting Buffy? Where is Dawn?"

"Dawn's at school, Buffy's still asleep. She dragged me out of the bar last night and dumped me here."

"She didn't dump you close enough to the sun if you asked me." Xander slowly walked towards the staircase, and even more slowly climbed them. God how it must suck to be mortal. I heard a rustling, and then the accusation. Of course I just knocked Xander on the head with the baseball bat on purpose, of course cos I got nothing better to do than ruin his life. Buffy came down the stairs first with the wanker following close behind, he went and slumped down on the couch. Buffy brought out an ice pack for his head.

"Spike, what's going on here?" She's got her hands on her hips, and that irritated tone in her voice. How sick does it make me if I think she's really hot when she's pissed at me?

"I thought he was an intruder. I was watchin' my stories when I heard the back door open."

"So you thought instead of seeing who it was you would just Louisville Slugger their ass?"

"Well, yeah." Made sense to me.

"How have you survived this long? I can't even believe it... Wait. A. Minute. You hit Xander."

"Yes."

"On purpose?"

"Well I didn't know it was him, but even if I had, yes."

"Oh, no! Oh, no you don't!" Xander got up and backed away, Buffy stooding between us.

"What pet? It's not like I can kill him without getting a migraine so big even excederine can't take it away."

"When you hit Xander, I didn't hear you yell out."

I thought about it. When I hit him I didn't feel the surge of pain, I felt, I felt damn near exquisite. "Well, I.."

"What did you do?" Xander yelled at him, "What did you do you vampire freak? If that chip is gone, you are so dust man, you are so dust. Even if Buffy won't do it, don't think that I won't!"

"You and what army, Boy?"

"Guys! Stop it, both of you. Well Spike, we know the chip doesn't work on me. Maybe you thought you were gonna hit me and that's why it didn't fire?"

"Yeah love, thought I was gonna hit you in the kitchen while you were still asleep upstairs." God she's dense sometimes. The sarcasm is dirpping off my words, and she doesn't get it.

"Hit Xander, and mean it."

"With pleasure." A smile creeped to my lips, this was going to be fun.

"Um No! I object! Let's not give the evil undead a license to kill!"

"But Xander, what if it was just a fluke?"

"Still I don't feel like breaking my nose to test that theory!"

"How about a slap? No breaking of anything?" Buffy asked him.

"Come on Buffy, a slap is so harmless. I wanna do some damage on this altar skipping wuss."

"Oh yeah? Try me, dead boy!" Xander pushed Buffy aside and hit me. Not that it hurt, it did piss me off, so I did what any self respecting vampire would do, I slapped his face so hard I thought his neck would snap.

"Ow! Damnit Spike, that stings!" Xander put his hand up to his face, shaking is head. But in my head. There's no pain. There. Is. No. Pain. No headache, no brain splitting agony, nothing. This is marvelous, this is better than Christmas, this is a new lease on my unlife!

"Shit, Shit, Shit." Buffy said with a look of confusion on her face."What happened Spike? Do you remember anything?"

"What like brain surgery? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't 'ave been out drinking last night had I just had my skull cracked open."

"But I mean, there has to be a reasonable explanation here. Xander, did Anya turn you into a demon?"

"What? No! I mean I don't think so, I'm pretty sure I would feel different right?"

"It was worth a shot." Buffy flopped down on the couch looking absolutely puzzled.

"Buff, I'm thinkin' this is pretty simple. Spike has chip, Spike we no kill, Spike lose chip, Spike get staked."

"Leave it to you and your cave-boy-logic to sum things up as such." Xander really isn't as obnoxious as I would like him to be. We've even seen eye to eye once in a while, but his overwhelming need to kill me realy is doing nothing to get me on his good side.

"We've got to find someone else for Spike to hit, someone else who the chip would normally fire on."

"Sorry, but as much fun as it may be smacking your pals about, I really don't have a beef with the niblet or the witches. We could go look for innocent bystanders, those are always the best."

"Ew! No. No innocent bystanders. Well, anyways we have to tie you up until we know what's wrong. We'll have Willow look at your chip when she gets home."

"Where's the cavalry? Cos now that I've got my rocks back, I really doubt it'll be all that easy to chain me up."

"Oh really?" Buffy laughed as she punched me square in the nose, I laughed too, until things went black...


	5. Gone

**Author's Note:** About Spike being knocked out in one fail swoop: It's completely possible, I mean if he wasn't excepting it Buffy could definately wipe him out quick. Plus, as the Author, I can kinda bend the rules, it's an Alternate Universe, so maybe in this one Buffy can knock Spike out in one punch. Okay these are all weak as hell excuses, so lets just say it was author's pergative (sorry, I just channeled Dawn, perogative), artistic license. Again I blow smoochies to everyone who left a review, to the rest of you, I am whoring myself, I am pandering to your basic need to review! Please do it! I just got my Season 5 boxed set, I highly recommend the Espenson commentary for 'I Was Made to Love You' cos Janey rules. As well as the Joss commentary for 'The Body.' Is it just me or does everyone else still cry when Anya asks why we die? Also check out my favorite geek, Danny Strong, aka Jonathon, do the Demonology of Buffy, he's just so hilarious (and in person is so hot) that I just wanna hug him, and squeeze him, and call him George. BTW: if you're a complete Buffy quote-aholic, I hope you've caught my absolute thievery from the show, where I have stolen lines, but some of them are just so perfect that I can't just leave them be. 'Nuff said, on with the story...

* * *

I didn't believe Willow. I probably should have, considering she is science girl. It just seemed so unlikely. We had to knock spike back out with a tranquilizer dart to make sure he stayed alseep. I feel bad about it, but it's not like I haven't treated him worse.

"Buffy, I swear, the chip is gone, it doesn't even look like it was ever there, no scarring, no hole in Spike's brain, nothing. I used that thing I took from Warren's when I was looking for InvisiBuffy. I thought it was for robots, but it's like a microchip processor, it says the chip isn't there. I believe the detector thingy." 

"But I mean, we all know the chip was there, remember when he tried to bite you? I mean Spike's been Migraine-Boy for so long, I can't even fathom him without it. Maybe it died."

"It didn't die, this detector thingy, see right here?" She showed me a window on the unit, "This is like one of those things they use to find babies in women's bodies, like a sonogram, it would show even the dead chip. Now look." Willow held the baby finder thingy to Spike's head, she moved it all over where we knew the chip once was, "See, nothing."

"Well it sounds like proof Spike's doesn't have a brain either, I mean if nothing shows up it means his head is empty right?" Xander asked.

"Shut up Xander, let Willow work." Xander had been like this since I knocked Spike out, singing his 'Spike is evil' ditty. Which may be true, but I had to know for sure before we did anything. I have a strict ask first slay later policy when it comes to Spike, which probably isn't a good thing. Which on second thought probably got us where we are today.

"Maybe the Initative made the chip so it would eventually just become part of his brain, I mean then the chip could still be there, it could just look like brain." Dawn suggested. She was torn up about this. She had been mad at Spike for boinking Anya's brains out on closed circuit TV, but she still adored him. She was worried, I was worried too, but I was trying to figure out how I could get her to still talk to me after I staked Spike.

"Dawnie, he hit Xander and it didn't fire. Plus there is no technology that can self convert from inorganic to organic matter. It's just not possible." Willow told her.

"What if it's magick? I mean it could be magickly clouded so we can't find it, maybe it's been magickly shut off." Dawn was stretching.

"Dawn, if it were magick don't you think I'd feel it?" Willow asked.

"But even if it's gone we aren't gonna stake him are we? I mean Spike's not evil anymore, he's been good for like 3 years." Dawn knew she had run out of scenarios.

"Dawn, we are going to find out what's going on, until then, there will be a strict no stake policy when it comes to Spike. Okay?" There, I didn't make the policy because of my personal bias, no I did it for Dawn. Yeah, that's it, did it for little sis.

"Unless he tries to eat one of us, then we can stake him right?" Xander asked.

"I guess if it's necessary." God, I hope not.

"I wish Giles was here. He'd have an idea of what we should do." Tara said. Giles, Giles who left so I could be a grown up. And what a failure that's been. 

"What would we say? Hey Giles, Spike woke up without his chip today, where should we look for it? Maybe under the sofa in hell?" My sarcasm won't go over well, but it's the truth, I mean what could Giles do about this? "I mean guys, come on, we need to brain storm here. Maybe we can just drive Spike to LA and dump him there, or I hear Tijuana is lovely this time of year."

"He's a vampire Buffy, not an endangered species, you can't just reintroduce him to the wild and leave him there." Xander apparently hates all my ideas that don't involve Spike's immediate dusty demise. It was getting late, I didn't want to continue arguing with everyone.

"Xander, go home. We'll work on this tomorrow, Spike's knocked out, and chained to the chair, he isn't going anywhere."

"But..." He objected.

"No, buts, just go." He hugged Willow and left. "Why don't you guys go to bed. Dawn can you see if you can sleep at Janice's?"

"Why so you can stake him when I'm not home?"

"No, so if he gets out of control, he doesn't eat you. Willow and Tara can hold their own against Spike, but you don't know William the Bloody the way the rest of us do, and you're defensless, it would be best if you left, just in case."

"Fine." Dawn stormed off to call Janice.

"Buffy? This is gonna be okay. We'll figure something out. I mean maybe we can give him Angel's curse, then he'll have a soul and not want to bite anyone."

"Yeah and never ever be happy again, brilliant idea Will. Do you really think that curse would last on Spike? He wouldn't care, he'd go out and get happy with half of Sunnydale if it meant getting rid of his soul." He'd probably start with me, and once again I would be responsible for the loss of a soul.

"Don't worry, we'll figure something out." Tara reassured me, and the two of them went upstairs. I had to call Anya, maybe this was the result of the vengeance she had struck on my behalf. When I was sure they were upstairs and Dawn was gone, I called her.

"Anyanka, Patron Saint of Scorned women I call to thee. Appear before me, um.. now!" I read it in a book, I figured it would work. The puff of smoke let me know that it did work.

"Who calls upon Anyanka, what unworthy creature... Buffy? Sorry, I was gonna do my schpiel, but it's just you."

"Thanks, really."

"What's up? Oh look, Spike's tied to a chair, is this a kinky sex thing? I'm not so much into watching as I am taking part, you know Xander always had this threesome fantasy with you and me..."

"Please stop, I don't want to hear it."

"Well, it's not like sheep were involved or anything. Just loin clothes and a Xena costume and..."

"Stop it." Just the visual I didn't need.

"Fine, what's up? I see Spike is safely out of Warren's hands, so my work here should be done. You don't get a second wish, and like hell am I reversing anything."

"It's Spike, there's something wrong with him."

"Buffy, I couldn't make him not love you or get over his S & M fantasies, I mean you didn't wish it."

"It's not that, his chip is gone."

"What?"

"His. Chip. Is. Gone. Do I need to spell it out for you?"

"No I heard you, but I didn't do that, you didn't tell me to do that."

"Could it have gotten lost in the back tracking? I mean could moving time backwards have gotten the chip sucked out of his head or something?"

"Buffy, I can reverse a day, but if the chip was in his head when I reversed it, it should still be in there. I mean, like I said, if you didn't wish it, I didn't do it. Maybe the chip was gone before your wish?"

"But how? I mean the iniative put it in, and who ever took it out would have to be like a super surgeon, cos there is no scar or anything. Willow said it looks like the chip was never implanted in his head, NEVER! Remember when Riley had the chip taken out of his heart? That doctor couldn't take out Spike's chip, and he was like an expert in de-chipping or something."

"What about Warren?"

"Warren just makes robots, and terrorizes me with his wierd science fiction wet dream gadgets."

"But that's a lot of computer-y stuff, I mean maybe he knew how to dechip Spike."

"Willow did steal that chip reader from his lair. I don't know. I mean who would know if he was capable of this?"

"The two boys, his minions, I bet they would know. They are safely tucked away in jail, becoming someone's bitch as we speak. You've seen Oz, you know what happens behind bars."

"When did you get so insightful? Does that come with the whole being a demon thing?"

"No I was always this bright, none of you ever noticed. I think you should head to thejail and see what the two of them know, beat it out of them if necessary."

"I can't. I can't just leave Spike here, and I can't just waltz into the police station demading to see them."

"I would suggest walking in, not waltzing, unless you have a really good partner..."

"Anya! Back on track here!"

"Sorry."

"Could you go? You're Miss Teleport 2002, you should be able to zap in there, talk to them and zap out before anyone notices."

"I'm only supposed to use my powers for work related issues. D'Hoffryn gets mad if I use them for other tihngs, and trust me, you don't want to be near Arashmahal when D'Hoffryn gets pissed!"

"Well, there are lots of scorned people in jails. Or, hey you could say you accidentally ended up in there, that you were aiming for the Espresso Pump, but missed by a couple hundred feet."

"My skills are rusty after having been outside of the fold for so long. I guess, just this once, but don't even think about making this a regular thing."

"Thanks, and you know I won't ask to do anything, and I won't kill you unless you start to seriously mess up my turf."

"Is that a threat slayer?"

"No, just a forceful suggestion."

"Fine, I'm off to jail, just like in Monopoly, do not pass go, do not collect $200. You don't happen to have $200 just sitting around do you?"

"You know the rules."

"Stupid boardgames and their rules. Looks like you're going to have your hands full in a second anyways, Sleeping Evil is waking up." With that Anya disappeared in a poof of smoke. As I turned around I could sense Spike was waking up. What was I supposed to tell him? What am I supposed to do?

* * *

"Bloody Hell, feels like my head is splittin' in two." M' head was throbbing, and I felt out of it. The last time I felt like this was whe I woke up in the iniative, and that was cos' I was tranquilized.

"You're not that lucky."

"Well, luck be a lady tonight, love. It appears the lady hasn't staked me yet." But she has drugged me and chained me to a chair.

"Yet being the operative word, Spike."

"What's the big deal? I'm chipless, doesn't mean I'm going to eat your precious Scooby gang." 'Yet' again being an operative word I am thinking but definately not saying.

"Over my dead body will you ever touch them."

"You know when you were just a dead body, I still didn't touch them, remember?"

"You had the chip, I'm not an idiot Spike, I know what you're capable of."

"Yeah, I'm a regular terror. Big Bad has it bad for a slayer, or are we so quick to forget? You've got me whipped!" 

"C-H-I-P, Spike, say it with me, Chip, rhymes with whip."

"Didn't work on you, remember? Plus love, as everyone is so fond to remind me, a chip isn't a soul, it's just a behavior modification device."

"Whatever."

"Don't whatever me Missy! I know why you haven't staked me. You love me, you can't live without me, can you? I'm the only person in the whole wide world who loves all of you. Who makes you feel? Who listens to you? Who isn't your judge, jury and exocutioner? That's right, it's me. If you stake me, you'll be more alone than you can even imagine."

"I have friends, and family, I'm not alone."

"A slayer's always alone, love. You know that better than anyone, bcause in the long run, you will never find another human being like you."

"Acutally I've met two, I think Dru got to know one of them, Kendra. And Faith, gotta have Faith, she might be ape-shit homicidal, but she's a slayer too, so I've met people just like me, I'm not alone."

"Well, unless you're Red, you're not exactly sharing your bed with either of them now are you?"

"God! Is everything about sex to you?"

"No, it's not. It's about love. It's about trusting someone enough to be completely vulnerable, about giving someone the chance to hurt you. Which is a thought you just can't bear. Everything has weaknesses, even you."

"Great, you love me because you can hurt me?"

"Pain's got nothin' to do with it. If it hurts it means you cared enough, you invested enough, that you can be hurt. If you don't care, the pain isn't there. Trust me on that one. Angel hurt you, repeatedly from what I gather. Riley, you never let soldier-boy even come close. You kept him so far away it's amazing he didn't need to dial long distance to have a chat with you."

"We _were_ close, you don't know anything."

"I know he loved you with every piece of himself, even the parts our Miss Walsh put in him. But he knew, don't kid yourself, he knew you didn't love him. He could see it in you. Even when you were mad at him, you weren't hurt, and you hurt him so many times, so many ways, that the only way to get rid of the pain was to cover it up with physical pain. He didn't turn into a vamp junky because he needed a bleedin' hobby, that's for sure!"

"You hated Riley."

"I didn't hate him, I envied him. I thought that even if you didn't love him at least he got to be near you, he got to touch you, share your bed, share your life. I honestly thought he had the better end of the deal, I loved you but I couldn't get near you, he could. Now I know, I had the better deal. It was better to not know what I was missing, because now I don't know how he went on after you."

"He went on and got married to the first bitch he met. That's how much I meant to him, after all the talk about how much he loved me, and how I was the one for him, he went and married the first girl he met! If he really loved me, it wouldn't have happened that way, at least not for a couple of years. He didn't love me, I know that now."

"Bullshit, the little Misses is what he settled for!" Sometimes, I could rip her head off just to see if there is a brain inside, "He couldn't have you so he took the closest thing he could find. She's opposite of you, you know. You're short and blonde, she's tall and dark haired, it's his way of covering that everytime he's in a crowd and he sees a petite blonde, that he's always waiting for her to turn around and be you. With the wife, he will never make that mistake. But she's like you, strong willed, enlightened to the demons around her, whip smart, she couldn't look like you."

"I don't want to talk about this any more, it's in the past. It's like someone elses life."

"No, it's your life! And you'd do best not to forget that."

"Shut up."

"Untie me."

"No."

"Why not? The chip's broken, so what?"

"It's not broken, it's gone."

"Gone? As in never to return?"

"Yes. Well, maybe. How do you feel about souls?"

"I'd rather not have one if Angel's an example of the freak I'm gonna turn into."

"He's not a freak."

"A broody, overly pretentious, poof who can't have the women he loves because he goes evil again. Trust me, I'm with you on the 'No Angelus' bus, but you really don't want me with a soul, I'll be useless."

"No you won't."

"It took Angel a hundred years to come to terms with his soul. I'd rather not waste my time like that."

"Well chained to a chair it is then. suit yourself." Buffy got up, she was heading to the stairs.

"So that's it? No soul, no freedom?"

"I'm tired, and I don't want to deal with you anymore."

"I haven't fed from a living human in almost 3 years. What if I told you I could control myself not to do it again?"

"I'd know you were lying to me."

"What if I told you I wouldn't do it, because I love you?"

"I'd _still_ know you were lying."

"I don't lie to you."

"You also don't hurt me remember? Well you did, you lied to me."

"So did you."

"When?"

"When you said you never cared." When I said it the look of terror that crossed her face spoke volumes. She's stunned that I could call her out like that. I know her better than she'd ever like to admit. When she snaps out of it she turns and goes up the stairs, I can hear her, when she whispers, "I never said I didn't care."


	6. Warriors

**Authors Note:** Hello Fair Reader, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Or not. Once again I am down on my knees begging you to bless me with the love of a review. It would mean so much to me. Thank You Darklover for reviewing last time. If the reviews stop, I stop writing cos I figure people don't like my story. Hell, do you hate my story? Tell me that too. Tell me that you wish Dawn would wear tambourines on her head and eat snake egg jelly or whatever. I just like to know you guys are out there. Hell do you have an idea for the story? Tell me that too, I am always looking for mre ideas. Do you wish I would crawl into a small dark hole and die? Don't tell me that cos I won't listen to you anyways. Okay the pleading stop here. For those of you who are reading, please enjoy, tell your friends, tell the monkeys at the zoo (but not the hyenas never the hyenas), and most of all give yourself a hug from me, cos I don't live close enough to you to hug you myself. **BTW:** I am looking for a Beta-er and a place for NC-17 fic to live. got any ideas? Wanna be my Beta love? email me: ladydrae@execpc.com **BTW:** This chapter might piss some of you off, once again I am using Artistic License, this is my universe based on Joss's universe. 

* * *

"Did it work?" D'Hoffryn asked his newest member of the fold.

"Beats me, it probably did, but I haven't been able to get an update on that. It's not like the cameras are still in place, I can't monitor them all the time anymore." Warren replied.

"She needs to be made weak. She has to fall apart, I want Anyanka to come back to us, permanently. I want her out of that town, I want her away from those people, the only way for that to happen is if Buffy cracks. If the group is severed she will leave them and come home to us."

"I know, I'm working on it."

"If the vampire would just kill her it would make things so much simpler. Are you sure he has it in him?"

"He loves her, if I know anything of love I know that if she doesn't love him back, it'll be enough to drive him to murder."

"This vampire is very particular. He has been wavering between to worlds for quite some time. He is confused, his demon hidden."

"He'll do it okay? If you could have stopped Anyanka from granting the Slayer's wish it would have made this so much simpler."  
  
"Anyanka was doing her job. The Slayer had been scorned, she did not break any rules, unlike you. You know your insolence will not be tolerated."

"I know! But I had to get the job done, now didn't I?"

Anyanka suddenly appeared.

"Anyanka my love! How are things!"

She turned to Warren, "Don't I know you?"

"Nope, never met you, gotta run." Warren disappeared.

"D'Hoffryn, what happened?"

"What are you talking about?"

"When I moved back time, something went wrong, and I know it wasn't my doing! I don't mess up vengeance."

"Again, I don't understand."

"When I moved time back, an object went missing. A very important object."

"You didn't lose your necklace again did you? Cos really Anyanka, if you are going to be that clumsy perhaps I don't want you back."

"Not my necklace, a chip."

"You're angry because of cookies?"

"What? Not that kind of chip! A brain-chip thing-a-majig. It was in one of the subjects heads, and now it is gone. Only someone who was acting on my vengeance could have pulled it when the transformation happened. The only one who that could have been was you."

"Are you suggesting I purposely involved myself in your work?"

"Yes. I know how jealous you can get, I am sure you didn't miss the Spike and Anya show, apparently no one did, we should have charged. You would have reason to involve yourself in his existence. Perhaps this is your way of punishing him, knowing that the Slayer won't tolerate him being restraintless, maybe you want him dusted."

"Why would I want him dusted? He is a fierce warrior of darkness, a Master Vampire, second in line to head the order of Aurelius. Why would I want to hurt him?"

"Why would you want him chipped? I guess that's the real question then isn't it? I see what's going on here, you want him to be returned to the warrior he was! You sneaky sneaky demon!"

"Now really Anyanka, you know me, I wouldn't interfere with your work, nor is it my place to act on the universe without it being asked of me. I work with the same rules you do, I can only grant the wish."

"I'm going to figure out what's going on here, and if you're involved, next time I'll bring the damn Slayer with me, and you don't want to fuck with her!"

* * *

I didn't actually sleep. I tried. The slayer was upstairs, and I know I could've broken free from my chains if I had tried. But I didn't bother. Around 3 am Willow came plodding down the stairs. 

"What's up Red?'

"Ah!" she jumped, "Oh, sorry Spike, you scared me." She looked ill. I could see the beads of sweat, she was pale, and I could faintly smell blood.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, marvy, just super-de-dooper." There was little excitement in her voice.

"Then why're you up in the middle of the night? Me? I'm a creature of darkness, currently tied to a chair, never got good at sleeping while chained up, and trust me, I tried!"

"Cos I'm not fine." She walked over and sat on the couch, wrapping a blanket around her. "I'm still kinda going through withdrawls. It's better with Tara here, but I still get these cravings. They turn my insides all wobbly. It's like I can feel the power trying to take over me, trying to over power me, pun completely intended. Makes me shaky, and sweaty, and cold, and hey new thing tonight, nose bleeds!"

"I know the feeling."

"I bet you do. With that demon stuck in you, and not being able to do anything to quell it, fighting it back all the time."

"Yup, and now I can just let it be free right? Wrong, dead wrong Red. You know I can't do that."

"But you have nothing holding you back, no chip, no soul, no girlfriend who is trying to make sure you don't give into the darkness and let the magick eat you alive. Okay maybe that last part applies to me moreso than you."

"I don't know Red, I just can't even really imagine going back to that. I've had the ability to hurt, beat, and even kill Buffy, and I just can't. I mean, I love her you know? And that makes things different."

"Love makes you do the wonky."

"Yeah, and she doesn't think its even possible for a souless demon to love. Like we are safe from it. If anything we are even less safe than the lot of you, we have an eternity to learn that too."

"How so?"

"While the demon is in there, well, its always in there isn't it? It's hungry for life. It's what makes me crave blood, and carnage and death. But it also craves love, it's starving for love because we are so full of violence. I think that's part of the whole being damned thing. You get to love but you can never get enough, it always passes too quickly because the violence eats it up. But if we can control the violence, the demon, we can love, and love so well. I think that's why lots of vamps end up spending an eternity with one other creature, because over time the violence can't eat any more of the love, and you have someone who can understand that too. Dru, for as crazy as she was, understood that, taught me that even. And now Buffy, Christ! She's worse than Dru, not with the insanity, although sometimes I do wonder. But she's got the same thing in her, darkness. She shuts out love, and I whole heartedly blame Angelus for that, but if she keeps doing it, the darkness will take over her too. She's got demon in her, although she's souled, and gifted and all that rot, she's still got a demon in her. But she's got no one else that understands that, no humans anyways. It's starving, and soon it's going to start eating her. What makes me crave blood and carnage and death, makes her crave saving the world over and over again. She's hungry for life, same as I. She fights the forces of darkness all around her, but now she's fighting the light too."

"Wow, I mean, Buffy's not a demon."

"I never said she was a demon, I said she's got a demon in her. It's part of her slayer deal, she's not super-human, she's like a hybrid. How else could she fight us? Don't you know the story? Hadn't she told you?"

"No, I mean she's told me a lot of stories, but not much about the slayer gig."

"See, as I understand it, and I only get the vampire version. Angelus told me, when he first told me about slayers, about where they come from. It's sort of a way to rally the troops over killing a slayer. See, vampires aren't pure demons, lotsa demons like to remind us of that. Our demon is like a parasite it needs a human host to survive. Without it we cannot exist, our demon has no home. So a long long time ago, ages ago really, demons ruled the earth. Then came man. Now man was pretty defensless against us, cos hey, demons are stronger and faster and the like. But humans, well you're better at the thinking, and the magick. So this bunch of Shamen in Africa or some place came up with a plan. They'd make a defender, someone to fight the forces of darkness, a warrior of light. But the only way to make that warrior that strong was to put the same thing in it that made the demons strong. Why they chose a girl, personally I'll never know, probably somehting to do with one of those mother earth goddess cults, bollocks if you asked me."

"And I didn't."

"Right. Well they needed to make sure that a human body could hold the demon. So they put the demon in a girl, a dead girl, and it backfired horribly, guess she drained two of them dry before escaping. They made a vampire. It was an accident, and as a vampire I know we have heard it many many times, that the whole lot of us are nothing but a bunch of man made mistakes, which after time we have come to resent. So with their first attempt amounting to new demon creation, they had to start all over again. But by then their girl had figured out how to make more, her demon knew it, I think they tried to put some blood-demon in her, thinking it would give her a blood lust against other demons, but all it really made her do is want to eat humans. And when she was done, she replicated herself by feeding the corpses her blood, something this other demon did as well. The Shamen made sure to wipe out all of those demons, and they did, but again, the magick didn't work as well as planned, and it didn't wipe out the vampires, it just made them the only blood suckers in town."

"So this is a lesson on why magick is bad isn't it?"

"Never thought of it that way. I guess, it was magicks fault that I'm here today so I'm not really complaining all that much, but also I do understand that magick has consequences, but you know that now don't you?"

"Yup. All too well. Go on, so what happened then?"

"The Shamen realised that the demon in us vamps was residing quite well, suprisingly well actually considering they put it in a corpse. And it transferred easily as well, filling the dead and bringing them back, although not alive, thus lacking a soul. Now original vamp girl she was assembling an army cos she knew what those Shamen were really up to, and she figured if she made them all into tasty snacks, they'd fail. Long story made slightly shorter, the Shamen captured her, and took part of the demon from her. This demon is special though, manipulated, for when the host dies, and the host has to be a living breathing girl, it moves out, takes up space somewhere else, a new girl, a Slayer. When they messed with the demon to make it travel like that, they also put this notion in it, that where it came from had to be destroyed. So once it was in the girl, and from what I hear she was an ugly thing..."

"Yeah she was, dreadlocks and mud, not flattering. Sorry, she tried to kill all of us in our dreams, I'm not a big fan. "

"That makes two of us. Just as I can feel a vampire around me or when one enters a room, so can she, so in a sense we're even like that. But we can feel her too. Well, she killed the original vamp, thus declaring a sort of war on our kind. Cos demons aren't fans of demons who kill other demons, unless it follows a whole 'rules of warfare' thing which is antiquarian and completely bonkers. Since then, it's vamps jobs to kill her, and her job to kill us, and whatever other nasties get in the way. But deep down inside we are made of the same thing."

"Magick?"

"I should say the same Demon. See but the demon in her, well it needs to travel, and Buffy's rightly fucked that up. The slayers after her have been different, weaker. The first one was too easily killed by Dru, few slayers fall for the whole thrall thing, so I'm pretty sure she just wanted it. And that Faith bird, well her demon sort of killed a human and never forgot the feeling. It probably awoke something long lost to her demon, and it took over, again a fragmented demon can be dangerous."

"Why isn't Buffy then? I mean shouldn't her 'demon' be all sorts of broken up?"

"No, she's the strongest of the three of them. Even after being brought back twice, she's built up the demon. Most slayers barely lasted a year, she's lasted what, 5, 6? It makes it stronger, so it can whack a piece off and not end up all messed up. Plus she's probably built back up whatever was taken. What Faith ended up with, was from the other girl, not Buffy. I suppose only if both of them die can the two pieces be brought back together, and I predict they'll join like oil and vinegar."

"Now I'm not saying that this is true or anything, but what if Buffy doesn't know this? I mean the watchers, they're probably decended from the Shamen right? And I doubt they really want their story getting out about their big giant oops. So I mean, what if they just didn't tell the Slayer that sort of thing, afraid that they might rebel against them?"

"I suppose, but you know that story's a lot like the Bible, been passed down through the ages, probably embellished upon, other parts subtracted off. You know that anything that didn't suit the vampires, well they probably 'forgot' some of the less desireable parts to make the story favor them. A hero tale if you will. There was another part, about the First Slayer. They sort of set her free, and she sort of started killing everything, humans, demons, vamps, it didn't make a difference, she was just a killing machine. The demons got pretty excited about it, tried to tempt her over to our side. She probably just didn't know what to do, her demon and her human fighting each other, so the Shamen killed her. And when another girl was chosen, they kept her under their wing, feeding her the agenda, training her, you catch my drift here?"

"Watchers, they became watchers cos they screwed up again. Nice to see not much has changed. When Faith went evil they figured that to be a solution again. No wonder the First Slayer tried to kill us all, she was crazy!"

"Later I came to understand the story a bit better, actually it was after I killed the first girl, the Chinese Slayer. She had no human equal, no one like her, except us. She danced with us every single night, and it was never a question of skill, it was curiosity. She wanted to know what was on the other side, I know, because I am the other side. That's part of a Slayer's weakness, their demon always wonders what it's like to be us, because it knows that it is us, so it drives the girl, steering her to her eventual death. Death, in hopes of being returned to where it came from. But it's never that simple. As long as the slayer lets in the light, as long as she fights the darkness that the demon craves she lives. When you brought her back, at the end of summer, I was scared."

"Why? I mean she's fine, well, now she is."

"I was scared that what you brought back would be the demon only. And in a way it was, because it was stronger than her human, I could hit her."

"Tara said that was just like cos her cells were different enough to not register in your chip."

"And I'm telling you I could see it in her, the demon. Was the first time I ever saw it in a Slayer. I always could feel it, knew it was there, but I couldn't see it, when she came back, I could see it. She needed to fight it, but she didn't want to. And the lot of you had no idea something was wrong with her. I couldn't have told you, none of you would have believed me, not even the Watcher. So I tried to satiate her demon, get it to move back. I loved her so much that i thought maybe it could help to let in the light, let love shine on her. In a way I guess I succeeded, if only because she was so disgusted with herself she pushed it back. See all of you kept her alive this long cos she was so full of light, of love, it used to blind me, I could see it. The light never wondered what it was like on the other side because all of you kept her from letting the demon move forward. I never saw what happened at that tower coming. I should have. I saw it in the eyes of the Chinese Slayer and later in those of the one in New York, a second of darkness, a second of wonder, and I grabbed it. I never saw it on her. If I had I would have, well i don't know what I would have done, I just know I wouldn't have let her do die."

"Wow. I mean, wow."

"Yeah, so I can't go back to killing. I learned how to fight the demon back, I learned it from her. She helped me truely love, I mean I loved Dru, but nothing like this. it pales in comparison, it's like Buffy's light, it's like it's in me. Not her soul, but like it. I can't put it out now."

"That's how I feel about Tara, she's the only thing keeping me from falling over the edge, from giving in to what I know is there. I've tasted it, and god, it was good. Amy showed me that, but Tara, she showed me love. It's like I feel her all over me, dancing, and as long as that is there filling me up, I'll be okay."

"Hmpf, who'da thunk it Red? Me and you, partners in misery, love's bitches."

"Hey it's better than being a bitch, cos trust me, I met evil me, and she is not so pleasant."

"How about this? A deal, you stay on the wagon for me, and I'll stay on the wagon for you. No magic for you, no people eating for me."

"Deal. I can't believe I'm making a dealw ith the evil undead."

"Just don't let the wanker know. I'd shake on it, but I'm a bit tied up at the moment."

"I'll take you on your word." Willow got up and winked at him. "I'm gonna get some water and head back to bed. Night Spike."

"Night Red, stay good."

* * *

I was sitting at the top of the stairs. I wasn't asleep, I had heard Willow wake up. I was going to follow her down, but I heard her and Spike and stopped. I could barely believe what I was hearing. He was lying, I knew he was. Tomorrow I would call Giles and let him know the bullshit that was being spread as Slayer myth amongst the vampires. Then when he told me what I already knew, I'd stake Spike so he couldn't spend one more minute spreading such lies. but a piece of me did believe him. Sometimes I had urges, thoughts I couldn't attribute to myself, things that made me think for a while I had been brought back without a soul. But Tara affirmed that I was fine. I was no demon. But by the end of their conversatoin, I almost didn't want to kill Spike because he and Willow had a deal, and I would hate to send her over the edge. Hell, I didn't really want to kill Spike, I just hated how he knew things, things about me, things about others, just so damn insightful. When they were done, I got up quick and scurried back to my room. I was in bed pretending to sleep before I heard Willow's foot hit the first step. I fell asleep soon after with visions of his lies in my head. They weren't true, they just couldn't be.

* * *

When Red left, I heard a noise at the top of the stairs. And then I recognized the faint smell of her, I should have known she was there the whole time, but my sense was dulled from being around her so often. She probably heard it all. It was better late than never. Sheneeded to know what she was, then maybe she could accept what he was, what he was to her.


	7. In the Dreaming

**Authors Note:** Faithful readers, I do love you so. Jenny I promise to incorporate Dawn wearing a tambourine on her head whilst eating snake egg jelly somehow. Darklover: Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate them, and would really appreciate it if other reviewed as well. I would like to thank a new reader Alibabwa for joining the ranks and reviewing! I appologize for this taking so long. I have been out with the flu for over a week now and such have had no thoughts of writing, most thoughts were 'cough bad. fever bad. must die now.' But I am feeling much better and so had to write! Enjoy and I hope more of you are reading this than the 3 reviewers I have. Even if its an anonymous review please let me know what you think. Happy New Year, here's to a super story filled 2004!

* * *

I had been on the phone all morning with Giles. I told him everything Spike had said the night before. All of that crap about me and him coming from the same place or whatever. The cordless phone is one hell of an invention, I could talk about all of this in the backyard without anyone else knowing it.

"But Giles, you know he was only saying it to get Willow to side with him. He doesn't want to get staked that'll make a vampire say anything." It was also time for the spring poking. As I talked I poked at the ground, multitasking is a gift.

"Buffy, think I need to come back."

"Great, so what'd Buffy fuck up this time Giles? I just want to know if he was lying so I can stake him."

"You've done nothing wrong. I need to stop by my mother's house, pick up some older Council documents. Things that were reserved for the eldest members, and some things only her and Travers know."

"Travers? Great, I really screwed up this time."

"No, my mother used to run the Council as he now does, she has things that may shed light on this, er, development."

"Great, it's not a lie, it's a one hour photo of fun!"

"Buffy, please, trust me, keep Spike there. I am sure Tara can bind him to the house so he can't leave."

"If you think I'm letting him out of that chair..."

"I've lived with him Buffy, I know what a pain in the ass he will become after a day or two in that chair. Again, trust me he won't hurt anyone, she can bind him to that too."

"Fine, whatever, you're the watcher, I'm just the stupid slayer always getting involved in wacky hijinx."

"Is something wrong Buffy? You are being quite cross with me, and I've done nothing wrong." Sarcasm, like multitasking is a gift.

"Sorry Giles, I'm just tired, I haven't been sleeping well."

"Well it's understandable with someone as dangerous as Spike..."

"It's not that. I mean it's Spike, but it's not that. I'll explain it all when you get here."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thanks." I reluctantly hung up the phone. There was a sinking feeling in my stomach, a feeling that told me loud and clear, Spike probably knew a bit more than I did about what I was. Then again, Dracula had said that too. Something about me not understanding my power, where it comes from. Both he and Spike had told me I belonged in the darkness, that it was my true nature. Maybe for Faith, but that wasn't my style. I am a warrior of the light, I am the slayer protecting the world from evil while maintaining perfect hair and a manicure.

I was tired, so I went inside to take a nap. Dawn and Spike were watching some horrible daytime television show. I was letting her stay home from school too much. Maybe I should just let Willow and Tara home school her, then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Worrying, did I worry this much before I was dead? Seems like all I do now is worry. Worry about bills, about Dawn, about everything, but worrying doesn't fix anything. Its so much, and it's so overwhelming, and I just feel so helpless. That's right, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, helpless and terrified.

* * *

_She was in her room, familiar, but different. Tara was standing there, with a card in her hand. The card had two hands on it, it was one of those tarot cards. "You think you know, what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun." It was only a second._

_She was back at the Iniative standing before Riley, and was that Adam? Her dress had cherries on it. The Adam man spoke, "She's uncomfortable with certain concepts. It's understandable. Agression is a natural human tendency, though you and me come by it another way." Buffy replied too quickly: "We're not Demons!" But he acts as if he knows things she doesn't, "Is that a fact?" _

_The desert, she could see the waves of heat coming off the sand. Tara walked towards her, wearing orange, but there was a girl, a creature, circling her like a shark. Tara began, "I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone. The Slayer does not walk in this world." She begged for the creature to speak for itself, and it did, "No friends! Just the kill. We. Are. Alone!" Something inside of Buffy stirred at this, she knew that this too was apart of her legacy, but this girl, looked so fierce, eventually the words came to her mouth, "It's over, okay? I'm going to ignore you, and you're going to go away. You're really gonna have to get over the whole ... primal power thing. You're not the source of me." But she knew that she was lying._

_Dracula's castle was lit with candles, and it was like a fantasy, only this was real and she knew this had happened. "All those years fighting us. Your power so near to our own, and you've never once wanted to know what it is that we fight for? Never even a taste?" She had been curious when Angel was there, she had wanted to ask him, but didn't. "I'm not hungry." "No. Your craving goes deeper than that. You think you know, what you are, what's to come. You haven't even begun... Find it. The darkness. Find your true nature." She felt it stir inside of her, the darkness, it wanted more of what he had to offer, but pieces of her fought it too, fought it so hard, fought it back with tooth and nail, fist and fang. He did know her power better than she knew it herself, almost as if he had it in him, the bond she felt, no that was thrall, not a bond._

_And then there was him, Spike, standing before her, cock-sure and arrogant. "The problem with you, Summers, is you've gotten so good, you're starting to think you're immortal."_

_"You think we're dancing?" She had asked him behind the Bronze, she had asked for it, had wanted to know. How did he do it? But the answer wasn't what she wanted, Why did they lose? Because they wanted to? He speaks and all she wants to do is spit on him, kick him, tear him to pieces."That's all we've ever done, love. And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even You. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens... CLAP! You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day." A revelation, she sees it now, but it's much easier to push it back, 'I'm going to ignore you and you're going to go away' But he didn't and neither did that feeling._

_"You think you know, what you are, what's to come, you haven't even started."_

_She was before Giles, trying to understand what it was doing to her, always feeling like part of the story was lost to her, "Yeah. Strength, resilience, those are all words for hardness. I'm starting to feel like being the Slayer is turning me into stone. I don't know. To slay, to kill. It means being hard on the inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words." _

_He sent her to the desert, it's always the desert. And again she was there, primal and angry, but powerful, "You think you're losing your ability to love. You're afraid that being the slayer means losing your humanity. You are full of love. You love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire, blinding. That's why you pull away from it." But it couldn't be, what could this monster know of love? "I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?" She knew the answer that was coming, she had realised it with Riley, "Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the slayer forges strength from pain. Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. For it will bring you to your gift. Death is your gift." But she was done risking the pain, no more pain for her, she had enough pain with Angel, and then her mother, and now Dawn, she was a regular pain-o-meter. Dawn, how could she do it, to her, to a child? Inflict her gift?_

_Willow had gotten inside her head somehow, "Buffy, c'mon. It's your brain. Just tell me. What happened here?" She didn't understand the how or why, but those things rarely mattered did they? "This was when I quit, Will. Just for a second. I remember I was in the magic shop. I put a book back for Giles. Nothing special about it. And then, it hit me. I can't beat Glory. Glory's going to win." She had given in, it was her gift after all. "You can't know that." But she could, "I didn't just know it. I felt it. Glory will beat me. And in that second of knowing it, Will ... I wanted it to happen. I wanted it over. This is - all of this - too much for me. I just wanted it over." One. Good. Day. 'Every Slayer has a death wish, even you.'_

_It finally seemed so clear, the answer, the slayer wasn't a killer, she had told herself this so many times, and this wasn't a kill, this was death, death handed to her on a pretty silver tray with promises and fortunes abound, "Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is the work I have to do. Tell Giles... Tell Giles I figured it out. And... I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me." She fell from that tower and it all made sense, Spike made sense, the first Slayer made sense, it all fell together as she hit the ground._

_But she was back on top of that tower, and things weren't the same"Is this Hell?" No matter what the answer was she knew, it was hell._

_Back to her home, her former home, it had never felt the same since she came back. He was there again, always knowing what to say, knowing what she had to do, feeling it, understanding,"Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?" She only looked down at the blood covered scabs, only vampires suffered the same fate as she had, only they came back, and her._

_She was in her rom, the window wide open, and she heard him, true as ever, knowing too much still, feeling her, speaking his heart, unafraid of the pain, brave to the point of stupidity, "Listen. I've figured it out. Maybe you haven't, but I have. Willow knew there was a chance that she'd come back wrong. So wrong that you'd have to... that she would have to get rid of what came back. And I wouldn't let her. If any part of that was Buffy, I wouldn't let her. And that's why she shut me out." But she had come back wrong, empty, without an ounce of feeling in her. Was this what it felt like to be without a soul? Had she turned? If she was broken would they dispose of her?_

_Again he was there, knowing what she needed, because he needed it too. "Why are you always around when I'm miserable?" "'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days." Two birds of a bloody feather._

_She was lost, and he had promised to make it right, and somehow he always had before, maybe he could teach her how to function like this, maybe he could take care of her. Maybe she could run away with him and her friends would never have to know she wasn't right. "Damn right! I'd hit the demon world. Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air. Hmm? It's fun too." She wanted to believe him, "It's not my kind of fun." But she knew it was, and she had felt it the only urge she had was to fight when she got out of that grave, and it was the only tihng reminding her she was alive now,"Yeah. It is. And your life's gonna get a lot less confusing when you figure that out." but when she figured that out it had gotten so much harder, how could she face them? "You have had so too much to drink at this point, I am cuttin' you off." She knew she couldn't hide from him forever. "You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shop girl. You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels. " And it did.  
  
"Is this Hell?"  
  
Another alley, another night. "You're a tease, you know that, Slayer? Get a fellow's motor revving, let the tension marinate a couple-a days, then bam! Crown yourself the ice queen." Ice Queen? "Need a few more metaphors for that little mix?" "It's only a matter of time before you realize I'm the only one here for you, pet. You got no one else!" No she had convinced herself she still had her friends, although they would never be able to understand what they pulled her from, and what they brought back. _

_They were in an alley, they were always in alleys. The scene was so familiar, it was almost deja-vu, even the night felt like it, the night she had asked how he killed the others, and now it almost felt like he would have his day. "Don't you get it? Don't you see? You came back wrong." He could always see straight through her. "It's a trick. You did something to the chip, it's a trick." "It's no trick. It's not me, it's you. Just you, in fact, that's the funny part. 'Cause you're the one that's changed. That's why this doesn't hurt me. Came back a little less human than you were." He had to be wrong. "You're wrong." Even though it felt that way, she truely never thought the day would come that someone would come out and say it. "Then how come you're so spooked, luv? And why can I - do that?" "You're wrong." "Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love." She's got people to love, she just can't feel it. "Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot! Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes." Two birds of a bloody feather. "I'm in love with you." There is no love, when there is no soul, she knows this. "You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me ... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up?" She remembered professor Walsh calling what she just did as projecting, projecting ones own feelings onto someone else, someone punishable, someone she could hate instead of herself. "Hello! Vampire! I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?" _

_"That might be how you get off, but it's not my style." Even though it felt so good, it made her feel alive, she knew it was wrong, everything about it was wrong. She wasn't supposed to enjoy a creature like him. "No, it's your calling. Gave me a run for my money, Slayer. Now, I admit it. You've had me by the short hairs. I love you. You know it. But I got my rocks back. You felt something last night." She had felt alive, something she was greatful for, something she owed him for. "Not love." "Not yet. But I'm in your system now. You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood. And the next time you come crawling, if you don't stop being such a bitch, maybe I will bite you."   
  
"No, your craving goes deeper than that."  
  
They were in the Doublemeat Palace, she had felt so cheapened by her employment there. "Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead. Some demons love 'em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kinda demon you are, luv?" "I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me, but I am not a demon."_

_"You think you know, what you are, what's to come."_

_The balcony at the Bronze, she remembered that night as if it had happened a thousand times. "You see ... you try to be with them... ...but you always end up in the dark ...with me. What would they think of you ... if they found out ... all the things you've done? If they knew ... who you really were? Stop me. No don't close your eyes. Look at them. That's not your world. You belong in the shadows... with me. Look at your friends ... and tell me ... you don't love getting away with this... ...right under their noses."_

_"You think you know, what's to come, who you are, you haven't even begun"_

_They were in her room, he was standing there, he was always there when things were their worst. "Fine, then. See I figured it out, luv. You can't help yourself. You're addicted to the misery. That's why you won't tell your pals about us. Might actually have to be happy if you did. They'd either understand and help you, God forbid, or drive you out where you could finally be at peace, in the dark, with me. Either way, you'd be better off for it, but you're too twisted for that. Let yourself live, already. And stop with the bloody hero trip for a second, we'd all be the better for it."_

_"I live in the action of death."  
"What kind of demon are you?"  
"You think you know what you are."  
"Find your true nature."  
"Death is your gift"  
"What's to come."  
"You came back a little less human."  
"You belong in the shadows."  
"You haven't even begun."  
"No your craving goes deeper than that."  
"You're gonna crave me, like I crave blood."  
"I am the blood cry, the penetrating wound, I am destruction, absolute... alone."_

_"The slayer does not walk in this world."_

_"Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. Find your nature."_

_"Find your true nature."_

_"That's not your world."_

_"Let yourself live."_

I woke up in a sweat. My heart was pounding. Had the signs always been there? I had just wanted to be a normal girl, but maybe I just wasn't made of the stuff.

I leapt out of bed and ran downstairs. That son of a bitch was going to pay for the ideas he put in my head.

* * *

I didn't recall Dawn being this big a fan of daytime T.V. When Buffy was gone it was like pulling teeth getting her to sit down and watch Passions with me. Now, she was a bigger junkie than me.

"When mom was still alive she had set up the VCR to record Passions like everyday. So I just keep feeding it tapes, and it keeps recording them. And then I got hooked cos you forced me to watch this crap all summer long. Well it was Passions or Stargate SG-1, which wow for having the MacGyver guy in it BLOWS!" When Dawn got excited she started to ramble as quickly as her sister. "You want some blood?"

"Sure love." She was so eager to keep me. It was as if I were an undead blood sucking puppy that followed her home from school.

Buffy hadn't said a word to me. I heard her dial England on the phone, but then she went outside. Vampire hearing is better than human, but it still has its limits. Then she went upstairs, not a word. I know somethings bothering her, I just wish she'd let it out, otherwise it's surely going to lead to me getting the smithereens beaten out of me. Hell, I wish she'd just stake me and get it over with, unliving tied to a chair really left a lot to be desired. Dawn had been kind enough to loosen the ties that bind me. She even undid my hands, both her and Red know I wouldn't hurt a single one of them. 

I didn't even realize what happened until I heard her running down the stairs. "Sssspike!" She yelled as she launched herself at me.

"Here in the living room? If I'd have known you had such a thing for tying me up we could have played this game earlier."

The chair, as well as myself had fallen over and she was punching me hard in the stomach, "So what love? Think you killed yourself another geek's ex?"

"Shut up you lying, sneaking, coniving, son of a bitch!"

"Ooo big words, pet." Then she slapped me. It wasn't meant to hurt, it was meant as an embarassment. It worked. "What did I do now? What're we blaming old Spike for this time?"

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

"Stop channeling Dawn and I will." I grabbed her arms to stop her, but she broke free. "We've been down this road before, beating on me isn't going to make you feel any better." Tears were running down her face, and her punches were growing weaker.

"I'm nothing like you! I could never be like any of you!"

"Okay then, you. aren't. me. Check. I got it."

"Fuck you Spike! Damn you all to hell!"

"I already am, but thanks for thinking of me."

"I save you from him, and this is what I get? Buffy's part demon, Buffy's part vampire, Buffy's my bloody valentine." She was mocking me, but I realized it. She had heard me talking to Red last night.

"Is that what this is about? Vampire and Slayer lore? Love, it's only a story, probably no truth in it at all. Call Rupert he'll tell you."

"Yeah, he'll tell me you're right, cos you're always right! You get off on that don't you? Being Mr. Always Right."

"Back up just a second, save me from who? Xander? I could beat that wanker with both arms tied behind my back."

"Nevermind! Stop spreading lies and maybe I'll let you live!"

"Ooo, you promise? Cos god knows I could never get enough of being tied to a chair in your house!" I heard Dawn drop the mug of blood when she walked in.

"BUFFY! Get off of him!" Dawn ran over and feebly hit her sister on the back.

"Dawn stay out of this, this is between me and the evil undead."

"No he's my friend, you get off of him right now or I'll, I'll, I'll scream until your ears bleed and my face turns blue."

"He's not your friend, Spike doesn't have any friends. All he has is the kill. Right Spike? Just one more thing on your demented list of things 'me and Buffy have in common.' But it's not true, I have friends, I have people who love me, you have nothing!" She climbed off me. Seeing in my eyes that her few words dug deeper into me than any knife. "Spike, you're beneath me." Was all she said as she walked off.

I could feel the tears surfacing, but I sucked them back. Just what Dawn needed to add to her picture of me. Crying. Brilliant, just bloody brilliant.

"Spike are you okay?" It was Dawn, she was untying the ropes. "If you run or bite me or do anything stupid when I untie you, I'll stake you myself."

"Don't worry bit, you're safe as houses."

"I never understood that, Safe as houses? I mean how safe are houses?"

"Dawn, don't ever get between your sister and me again." I stood up and stretched, "I don't want to hurt you, and if you get involved I might end up doing so." She fixed the chair and patted on it for me to sit down.

"I'm just gonna tie it around your chest so your arms are free and stuff, cos I know you aren't gonna do anything bad, k?" She leaned in to wrap the rope around me, and I could see it, her carotoid artery, just below the surface of her skin. The things I had done to girls her age were amazing, and I could feel her blood calling to me, begging for me to take it, to save her. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but I couldn't let myself be that weak. I'd show Buffy who was beneath who in this senario, because it certainly wasn't me.

Red and Tara came running down the stairs, both looking mussed and reeking of sex.

"What happened? We heard Dawn yelling and Buffy yelling and why is Dawn retying you up, operative word being retying." Willow asked.

"Buffy attacked him, like some sort of animal. He fell, I couldn't pick him up so I temporarily untied him so he could get upright again."

"Dawnie why didn't you come and get us? We could have lifted him back up."

"She figured you two were busy working on spells and all that rot." I said with a wink.

"There were no spells, spelling maybe, but no spells." Red smiled. "Are you guys okay? She's been so, out of it lately. It's like its not even Buffy sometimes."

"Being dead has a way of doing that to a person." I should know.


	8. Perfect is Boring

AN: Thanks for the reviews again! I promise to start working on the other stories now that I have this one firmly begun! Reviews are always welcome. BTW: all of you need to go out and buy the Firefly DVDs, cos it's some of the best TV I've ever seen (and that includes Buffy and Angel, I would even dare to say that Firefly has the makings to be better than both). So as Captain Mal of the Serenity says: Doing the impossible makes us mighty. Be mighty, buy these DVDs, and hey if you hate it, blame me, send you copies to me and I'll refund your money, but trust me, you won't regret it. But know that everyone who buys the DVDs brings Joss that much closer to being able to make a Firefly movie (his way so it won't end up like the Buffy movie!) and Joss + large budget + good actors = AWESOME MOVIE!! Okay begging session is now officially over. So even if you don't review you should buy Firefly. There, I'm dne now, I swear it!

* * *

I was in my room when Tara knocked on the door. "Go away!"

"Buffy, it's Tara, Are you alright?"

"Just peachy, now go away."

"I can't do that Buffy, and you know it. You need to talk to someone, and I'm probably the only someone in this house who can do the listening you need."

I went up to the door and unlocked it. "Why are ou always right?"

"Because I'm no good at being wrong." She smiled, Tara's smile could warm a whole room. I know how Willow oculdn't live without her, she was like an angel, soothing and warm, comforting. She followed me over to my bed.

"So Dr. MacClay, let's play a fun round of 'What's wrong with Buffy.'"

"Buffy, it isn't like that."

"Yes it is. I've tried, really really hard to go back to the way things were, and I just can't do it."

"Maybe the reason it's in the past is that's where that part of your life needs to be. You can't go back to before Buffy, you can't act like the last year didn't happen. I, for one, don't expect that of you and neither do they."

"Funny, they've got a funny way of showing that."

"But this isn't about them, this is about you," she hesitated, "And Spike."

"Just add that to the list of things I shouldn't have done."

"Are you sure? I mean that you shouldn't have been with him? There's nothing wrong with being with him, or liking him, or loving him."

"Loving him? Ha! That's a good one. Try loathing him."

"Maybe you don't like that he is everything you try to supress in yourself. I mean, Buffy, everyone has violence inside of them, you can't act like that isn't there. You aren't perfect."

"Now you tell me!"

"Seriously Buffy. Spike is a good man. He's done a lot for all of us without expecting anything in return. He hasn't tried to lay a finger on any of us, and I don't think he will."

"Yeah William the Bloody Pussycat. Trust me Tara, the first chance he gets he'll eat every single one of us."

"Well he had a chance when Dawn untied him, and he did no such thing."

"Dawn untied him? I'm gonna kill her, it's a good thing he didn't cos he saved the job for me!"

"He's tied back up, she had to untie him to right him after you attacked him."

"Oh."

"You can't just turn back time and do with it what you want. You have to deal with what you have before you."

"And that is?"

"A man who loves you more than anything, who would do anything for you no matter how awfully you treat him. Friends who care so much about you that seeing you like this is killing them. A sister who just wants you to be happy. You've got a lot. It's up to you what you do with it."

"I know. I just, it's just, he makes me so mad. It's like he awakens this part of me that I didn't know was there."

"It's perfectly natural to get mad."

"Tara it's not that I get mad, it's the things I do when I get mad. It's like this thing inside of me turns and my conscious disappears. If you knew the things we had done, you'd blush five ways to Tuesday."

"Well, people don't exactly approve of Willow and me either."

"But Tara, I like it. I like what he sets free in me. Even when we patrol together it's like I can set loose this thing that I can't show to any of you. The hunter in me. The killer in me. And he loves her just the same, and that makes me so mad, because he shouldn't."

"He loves all of you. The good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, he loves all of it, and anyone who truely loves you should love all of that. I know Willow's got problems and I love those just as much as anything I love about her."

"Then why'd you leave?"

"Because it hurt too much to know that I couldn't help her, that my love alone couldn't save her. She was in a bad way, messing with my head, I didn't stop loving her, I just couldn't be used like that anymore."

I didn't know what to say to that. Love is one of those things that sometimes I just don't understand. I looked out the window, it was such a beautiful day. "Giles will be here in a day or two."

"I know. "

"What if what Spike told Willow is true? What if I am part demon?"

"Just more parts to love I guess. Not all demons are bad Buffy, remember that. Clem might be dangerous to the kitten and Dorito population but other than that he's harmless, unless his shrine to Bennifer decides to attack Sunnydale that is. Willow said Angel's working with some good demon, I guess he's green and can sing really good."

"Doyle was part demon and he was a good guy. He used to work with Angel too."

"And Spike, his demon is pretty well under control, and he does a lot of good. Anya too, yeah she's a vengeance demon, but she hasn't done much here in town, and she's really no threat to anyone who hasn't scorned a lover."

"So I could be a good demon? But what about that whole vampire as slayer gone wrong thing?"

"Buffy that happened so long ago, there's nothing you can do about it. You've even said it yourself the only beings that are near to equal to yourself are vamps."

"Yeah I know. Thanks Tara, you're so good to me."

"Just remember you might not love Spike, but you need him, just like you need me." When she said that it hit me.

"You know what I did for him don't you?"

"I remember what happened with Warren, I don't know what you did, or how, I don't want to. I just don't want you to forget why you saved him. He's important, and you need him, probably in ways that Xander and Willow can't help you. I understand this."

"You can't tell anyone about this. About the whole time turning back thing."

"Since when isn't your secret safe with me?" She smiled.

"I should probably go do some appologizing shouldn't I?"

"That might be a good idea. Willow and me will take Dawn out for a while so you can talk to him. When we get back you can find out how many cookies it will take to buy back Dawn's forgiveness."

"Tara?"

"Yes?"

"Don't let me forget why I did all of this okay? Sometimes I get so caught up in my head that things like that slip my mind."

"It's okay, remember about the not being perfect? Forgetting kind of comes with the package."

We both got up and I hugged Tara hard, "Thanks."

"You're welcome. Air. Must. Get. Air."

"Sorry!" I let her go. "Tara, one more thing. How do you remember? Anya said no one but me and her would know."

"You don't know everything about me Buffy, but as with most things you'll understand later. I can't explain it to you, but you'll understand soon."

* * *

Red and Glinda grabbed up the Bit and left. Something about movies and milk shakes. I wasn't really paying attention. All I know is that it means I am stuck in this house with Buffy the Psychotic. The girl needs help, something in that brain of hers has gone south, most likely never to return. Her words were still there, hanging in the air around me. See words like that don't necessarily cut you deep, sometimes they hover and just leave little cuts all over, like paper cuts, and just when you think the words are done, they start running with salt water. That salt water being your own tears of course which make all those hundreds of cuts burn even more. It's hell it is.

I heard her heading for the stairs, so I turned up the volume on the T.V. and pretended that I was whole heartedly interested in Oprah's reorganization of people's closets. I didn't look up when she entered the room. I really didn't want to end up on the floor again, and I really didn't feel like becoming a large pile of dust.

"Have you eaten anything today?" She spoke first.

"Think my lunch ended up on the floor somewhere over there." I can't look at her, she'll see the hurt.

"You want me to heat you some more up?"

"Why? So I don't go ballistic and eat your friends?"

"No, because I don't need you going insane from not feeding."

"That takes weeks pet, not a day." She left the room and headed for the kitchen. I didn't look at her once, and for that I am proud. Being in this house will probably be the end of me. She was banging around in the kitchen. Where her mother was some sort of sorceress in the kitchen, Buffy was not. The girl could burn water.

She came back in the room with a mug in each hand.

"Here."

"Sorry pet, I don't fancy you poisoning me right now."

"It's cocoa, hot chocolate, little marchmallows, aren't you just salivating at the thought?"

"Who are you and what have you done with Buffy? Did something attack you upstairs? Glinda work some mojo on you?"

"No." She sat down on the couch. "If I untie you are you gonna do something stupid?"

"I'll try my best to keep my idiocy to a minimum." She untied me, she bloody untied me!

"I'm sorry I jumped you earlier. That wasn't fair, and god, things are still so messy up here you know?" She pointed at her head. "You seem to end up bearing the brunt of it when really none of this is your fault, well some of it is, but not nearly as much as I take out on you."

"Are you feeling alright Slayer? Didn't get a touch of the nuthouse demon again did you? You aren't going to tie me up in the basement to be a buffet for a demon?"

"No! I'm trying to be civil here, civil bordering on nice!"

"Well, appology accepted."

"Thanks." She sat back and sipped her cocoa. "You piss me off so much sometimes."

"That's all part of the charm, love."

"No, I mean no one gets under my skin like you."

"Told you I would." I winked at her remembering many mornings covered in bruises and scratches from a different kind of dance.

"Spike, I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but why do you love me?"

"Why does anyone love anything really?"

"Let's not answer a question with a question, I'm trying to be serious here."

"Dunno. Maybe it's cos you're the only bird to ever give me a run for my money. It's hard to find an equal out there, you above all should know that. Otherwise, I don't know Summers, there's something about you that I guess I can't shake. You're inside me, you've tainted everything I see and do. It's like you've become a part of me, and I can't let you go."

"That's beautiful." There wasn't an ounce of sarcasm in her voice.

"What?"

"The way you put things, you just have this way with words. You really should write this stuff down. I remember once you said, 'I'd see it all again, do something more quickly, more clever, every night I save you.' That was so perfect, and sometimes I wish it was true."

"What's that love?" If only she knew the horrible poet I once was, using words like effulgent, and calling eyes orbs of honey. She'd think again what she had to say.

"I wish you could save me." 

"From what, you're not much of a damsel in distress, and trust me I've known damsels."

"From myself, from my life, from all of this. I can fight the forces of darkness, save the world a thousand times but my worst enemy is usually myself." Rarely had I seen her so honest, so naked. I know she didn't strip down like this for just anyone. "Isn't that ironic? The darkest force to be reckonded with is me." She laughed, but it wasn't in jest, it was a laugh of resignation.

"Slayer, there's another way of saving you from life, and that's death, something I can give you, but won't. You know that. And you aren't a force of darkness, you walk the edge, as many of us do, we stray into both, but unlike myself, you can walk in the light and do. I can't walk in the light for you. I've tried to help you, I've tried in every way I can think to ease your burden, make things simpler, easier, but you're just so damn thick headed sometimes. Sometimes I think I should go, leave this god forsaken hole in the ground. But I can't. I think of you, and the bit, the witches, hell even the wanker and demon girl, and I can't bring my feet to move. They are just as much a part of you as you are of me, and I feel like I can't abandon any of you because someone has to be strong for you. None of them are strong enough to bare your brunt, but I am. So I stay, I love, I hurt, but I stay."

"Like none them have. None of them stayed you know? They said they loved me, but when it came right down to it, they left. I guess love, when the going gets tough or things get hard, well I guess love leaves. It's got better things to do, investigations to conduct, brooding to do, wives to find, secret government agendas to fulfill. They always left. A part of me thinks I drove them away, pushed them away like I push you. But you just don't move, you hold your ground. It gives me the wiggins, but I can respect that about you."

"Respectable? Me? Sure you aren't delusional?"

"Stop it Spike, I mean that. I don't love you, but I do care about you, sort of. You're obnoxious, and pig headed, and have no knack what so ever for planning ahead, but you're strong, and solid like. You're a warrior on more fronts than even me." She got up and kissed me on the cheek. "Thanks."

"For what?" My brain might as well have exploded in my head, that girl could do something to me that I hadn't felt in decades, I swear when she kissed me, my heart let go a single beat.

"For being strong enough to stay, and push back no matter how hard I push you away." With that she turned and went up the stairs. 

Now, I'm not a psychologist, I've seen Dr. Phil plenty though, but I'm thinking what she is could be described as Bi-polar. One minute she a raving lunatic, the next a perfectly rational girl. The sad thing? I'm not sure which one I love more. She did yell down one more thing, "And don't even think that any of that means I'm going to untie you to eat us in our sleep!" Well, she isn't perfect, thick headed yes, but far from perfect. 


	9. Blood & Breath

**Authors Note:** Welcome new readers! And just for you I decided to write a new chapter immediately instead of working on my other much neglected stories. But you should go read those too cos, hey, if you liked this, you might like them too, and I am a shameless self-promoter when I am not promoting Joss. Come to think of it, I should be his personal PR chick. But now back to reality, this chapter has quotes stolen directly from the season 7 episode 'Get it Done.' But if you ain't seen it, I doubt this will spoil it for you cos I take it in a different direction. So sorry Doug petrie, but I had to take them and use them myself, that's how good you are, now go ahead steal my stuff, I dare you! Reviews make it all worthwhile, make it all worthwhile. -A

* * *

Breath after breath, breath after breath   
Everyday I wake up in this room and I don't know  
Where I come from or where I'm going to then I hear the voice  
From where I stand the truth isn't black and white alone we live and die, we love and fight  
Breath after breath we carry this mortal coil safe for tomorrow  
Do I dare oh do I dare follow through the footsteps my whole body hears  
Beating on my heart like a feather beating of a moment till I disappear  
From where I stand the truth isn't black and white alone we live and die, we love and fight  
Breath after breath we carry this mortal coil  
Circles in the sand washed out into the sea just as we slip on through to eternity  
Breath after breath we carry this mortal coil safe for tomorrow  
A flame of love is burning always the song is of the planets  
The dance is to the rhythm of the rain where everyone is coming from is coming to  
And birth is just a breath after breath  
You are my kind, you are my kind -S. LeBon, 'Breath after Breath' Duran Duran 'The Wedding Album'

Spike had been tied up in my living room off and on for a good 3 days before Giles turned up. We were untying Spike during the day cos there was little chance he'd escape, and it was usually only Willow, Tara or myself alone with him, and we could handle him. I didn't want to put Dawn in a risky situation, so while threatening military school as her only option outside of attending Sunnydale's finest, she reluctantly decided to go to school all week. I had no idea military schools took girls, but I saw it on the internet, so now I'm thanking my lucky stars mom and dad didn't know that post-gym burning. Giles was surprisingly not apprehensive about Spike being de-chipped. I almost wondered if he had consumed so much bangers and mash and fish and chips (and why are all British food items something AND something?), that the cholesterol had permanently blocked some of the blood from reaching his brain. But this was not the case, he just knew Spike wouldn't dare. 

Giles arrived with a large metal suitcase, it looked like the kind mobsters use to transport money in the movies. He practically had it handcuffed to his wrist. He went up to take a nap, and when he was done sleeping he came back downstairs, case in tow. Highly suspicious, even for a watcher. When Dawn saw Giles she practicaly threw herself at him shrieking that he had to stay cos she was in a play at school or something. I didn't really hear her, but that wasn't too new. Spike hadn't said a word since Giles arrived, and I saw them give each other a look, one of those conspiriatorial looks that said they were up to something, but hey they're British so for all I know it was a 'Hi, wanker.' look.

"Buffy, I would like you to come to the Magic Box with me."

"Sure, but we have to wait for Tara or Willow to get home so Dawn doesn't have to be alone with the evil undead."

"I heard that Slayer!" Came the first words he had said to me in days from the living room.

"Buffy, I can handle Spike for a half an hour."

"Yeah Dawn, and everytime I leave you after you say something like that you end up kidnapped or attacked by demons. I'm not thinking that is such a good idea." as if by divine intervention Willow walked through the kitchen doors.

"Giles!" she ran over and hugged him.

"Will, you're home early."

"Got out of class early, something about my professor and his TA needing some time. I'm thinking they aren't called TA's because they are teaching assistants!"

"Lovely, well Buffy can we go now, it is very important."

"Willow..."

"Yes I can watch Dawn and Spike. I picked up some blood on my way home, so at least someone will have a hot meal. I'm thinking pizza may be in order."

"Willow, you rule!" I was more than excited to get out of the house even if it was with Giles. I had barely left since our prisoner had moved in. "Shall we?" I looked at Giles and handed him my mothers car keys. No one really drove the Jeep any more, but it was still in running order, and there was no reason Giles shouldn't get to use it while he was here.

We left, and the ride mainly consisted of the sort of mindless chit chat we so rarely engaged in. I knew something had to be up, but what I wasn't sure I wanted to know. When we got to the Magic Box Anya was stocking shelves.

"Giles! Please tell me you are not here to conduct and oversight review of my operations. I promise, there is much money in the cash register, and I have recently branched into the lucrative world of eBay to get rid of excess stock."

"Anya, I swear the visit is strickly non-work related."

"Terrific, as there are only so many times I can stand having my dream pulled out from underneath me." She walked up and awkwardly wrapped her arms around Giles giving him a quick squeeze. "Welcome to Anya's Magic Box."

"Anya, err.. yes that is quite enough," He pried her off of him. "May we use the back room?"

"Sure. Buffy I need to talk to you when you are done training, its about that thing we were talking about. You know with the vibrators and loin cloths?"

"What!?!" Sometimes the girl just shocks the hell out of me.

"The vibrator and the loin cloth in the Sunnydale Jail Cell down town." She whispered at me.

"Oh, yeah, I remember!" Well at least she tried to put in sexual terms that Giles would block from his mind. "Yeah, later we can discuss that, stuff."

"Yes, perhaps we can do so over Sex on the Beach at the Bronze. The drink Sex on the Beach, not like I want to have sex with you, although I guess if you offered I probably wouldn't object seeing as you are a slayer and have a very pleasing shape, I am sure many orgasms would be involved."

"Anya, stop talking right now. I will see you later." She seriously made Spike look like the most rational human being ever. I headed to the back where I saw Giles go when Anya mentioned the word loin cloth.

"So Giles, what's up with the brief case of doom? Will it self destruct after we look at its contents? Was it sent to us from Scotland Yard?"

"Sit down Buffy. I have some explaining to do. Some things I didn't think we would have to get to."

"Uh oh, serious voice has kicked in, that means another apocalypse is on its way."

"No, fortunately this has nothing to do with that. This pertains to you, and your destiny, and your ancestors."

"So this is about the thingy I talked to you about on the phone. Listen, Spike said it was just some story, and well he doesn't even think its the truth, so no big, it's cool. I have stopped freaking over it already."

"When the slayer turns 21, if she turns 21, as watcher it was my job to reveal your history."

"Remember, not muc in the diaries, watchers get sad when their girls die?"

"This is a different sort of history, this is about origins."

"Oh you mean mud-faced-dread-locked 'I'm gonna kill you all in your dreams cos I'm primal and gross' first slayer origins? I've met her, she needs time at the spa."

Giles pulled something from the case. "Only two slayers in recent history have made it to 21 years of age. The first was a woman named Nikki Wood, the slayer in New York that Spike assumably killed. The second is you, although you are twice dead. I had to contact my mother to assemble the necessary items, literature, and stop off in New York to pick up the rest of the items to properly carry out the ritual."

"There's a ritual? Does it involve drugging me and feeding me to a completely ape-shit crazy vampire while locked in a house? I'm not so down with that plan."

"Not that kind of ritual. It is a story, and I need magic and some ancient items to carry out the spell with which you will see your history. I am long delayed in doing so as it slipped my mind when you were dead."

"Giles, can we put this in human?"

"What Spike told Willow wasn't completely wrong."

"Um, your mouth is moving, but I think the words are coming out wrong."

"Buffy, listen to me. What we are going to do here, tonight, will explain these things alright? as soon as Tara and Spike get here..."

"As soon as who? Spike? He isn't leaving the house remember?!"

"Tara has bound him, he can't do anything, she is bringing him, as they are both vitally important to carry this out. I predict that this may be why Nikki was killed by Spike, I think she was seeking him out."

"Spike hunts slayers, he found her, there was no seeking of any kind." Tara and Spike walked in at that moment, and my heart jumped into my throat. It was moments like this, watching him stride across the training room with that black duster flowing behind him, I swear he moved in slow motion, that made me realize how beautiful he really was. Like or love, he was a beautiful creature.

"'ello Rupert, a big shiny happy thanks for getting me out of the dungeon for a bit."

"Hi, Giles." Tara shyly responded. 

"Looks like we are all set."

"Whoa Giles, all set for what? You know, one trip to England and it's back to King of Vague for you!"

"Buffy, it's going to be alright, you'll see, you'll understand. Trust me." Tara sat next to me, and her very presence calmed me.

"Giles I don't understand!" I was just getting frustrated because I didn't understand what was about to happen.

He assembled a few more things on a small table in front of me. Spike sat on my other side, I could smell the leather from his duster and the faint smell of cigarettes, it too calmed me slightly.

"Buffy, this is a shadow caster. It is old, ancient really, it is a relic from the time of the first slayer."

"Dread lock times, check."

"In order to carry forth the ritual we need both a Guardian and a vampire who's line carries back to the first. Tara is a Guardian, just as her mother was, just as her daughters will be. It is a sacred order of women who have sworn to protect the slayer and watch over the watcher's council, in the event they over step their bounds. Spike's line carries back to the first vampire, through Angelus and Darla, the Master and the vampire which created him, they lead back to the first."

"Yeah, and Angel didn't turn him. Dru did."

"Not true pet, Dru killed me, Angelus saved me."

"But wait, Guardian's? Where were these Guardian's when the Council tried to off me? Or when Glory showed up and they didn't want to tell me what she was?"

"I cannot stop the rites of passage. But I was there when they came about Glory, Travers knew who I was and that he would be forced to tell you or lose his position."

"Well, with the shadow caster, we drip the blood of each of you into the candle, in the center. Then I read from this book. The three of you join hands, and Buffy should go into a sort of hypnotic hallucinatory state in which all will be revealed."

"Again with the vague Giles. Can't you just tell me? I mean that would save us all the trouble and the blood letting and reading and..."

"Because he doesn't know, pet. Innit right Rupes?"

"Yes, sadly, there is no written accord of these events. They are only meant for a long lived slayer, not her watcher." Giles looked down at his watch, "We have to hurry, we have little time left." He passed a knife to Tara who sliced open her hand, passing the knife to me. I just stared at it in my hand, there was red on the blade, I was entranced by it. Spike nudged me and took the knife, opening both my hands with a single deft move on each palm. He then cut open his own and looked me straight in the eye.

"Trust me, I won't let anything happen to you ever, forever, as long as I live." There was something heartbreaking in the words, something that pulled at me.

"Buffy," Tara spoke and broke our stare, "You can't just watch you have to see, who you are, what may come, things that have passed. It is a journey but nothing will harm you, you understand this?"

My mouth was suddenly dry, "Yes." I croaked out. She leaned forward and drip blood onto the candle, Spike followed her lead. I sat forward and held both hands over it, watching the drops of currant fall, commingling with the drops from before.

"Now join hands, blood to blood." Giles said, and I couldn't resist. It was strange, but I wasn't afraid, I felt the anticipation that you feel right before you open presents, where you know good or bad this is about to happen. Giles lit the candle, which flared up in a green flame. Slowly the metal thingy with shapes cut into it started to spin. I got why it was called a shadow caster then, as I could see it cast shadows of figures onto the wall.

Giles began, "First there was the earth." He added a mound that I guess was symbolic of the earth. "Then came the demons." He added another figure to the caste. I almost laughed cos it was so ridiculous looking, all grr arrgg-ed out. "After demons, there came men." He added a figure of a dude, "The men found a girl, and took the girl to fight the demons, all demons." Then there was a crazy looking figure I am thinking was dreadlocked slayer chicka. "They tied her to the earth." The room started to spin faster and faster, the shadow casters started to move, not from spinning, but they started to reenact something. I got really really dizzy and blacked out.

* * *

The slayer wasn't looking well, looking dazed, a bit out of it. Then she went slack, falling forward into her own lap.

"Don't let go of her hands.Close your eyes." Giles announced, and then started speaking in a foreign tongue I haven't heard, and I've heard plenty. I could hear that Buffy had almost stopped breathing, her breaths so shallow that I was sure she was suffocating. Then I heard Tara's slow as well, both of their heartbeats joining into one, slow, pounding, drum. The drumming took over my ears, and it felt as if the world had fallen away.

Then it seemed almost as if I had awoken from a dream. The three of us were standing together, in the desert, in broad daylight. I could feel the warmth of the rays penetrating my skin right down to my bones. It felt amazing, if anything this was worth it to feel this way. Both girls looked at me as if I were about to start on fire, but I didn't.

"Spike, you're..." Buffy started to say but the words came out slowly, like her mouth was trapped in honey.

"Not burning up, thanks for the keen observation, love."

"We have to get moving. It will begin soon. You have to see it." Tara began heading up a dune. Buffy and myself just looked at each other and with a shrug followed her. Once at the top we saw a small village of huts. "We need to be there." Tara pointed at a hut on the outskirts, "She will be awake soon." It didn't even really seem to be Tara though, almost as if she were possessed, but not in a pea soup spewing sort of way.

As we walked down the dune the sky changed to night. Buffy took my hand when we were half way down. I could feel the doubt flow through her. "You're safe, I'm here." Was all I could muster.

We stood outside of the hut and a group of men in robes came out. Tara stepped aside, "See, Feel, Learn."

A girl, a girl who didn't look well crawled out of the hut. She sniffed the air like a dog, then cocked her head at one of the men. She stood up, swiveled her head on her neck, and as her face came forward I realized what she was. Her forehead was a series of stepped bumps, her eyes glowed golden, she opened her mouth to growl and revealed a set of elongated sharp as broken glass fangs. She was the mistake. I didn't want Buffy to have to watch this.

One of the men stepped up to her, "You are beautiful." He held out his hand, and when she took it, he shackled it to a tree. The girl looked puzzled, but didn't attempt to free herself.

"She isn't right. See the glow in her eyes, she stinks of evil." One of the men said. 

The oldest of the three spoke next, "She hungers and craves in ways we cannot understand. She will make a fine warrior, seeking death and vengeance for her former kind."

The first man walked up to her and brushed the hair off her forehead, running a finger against the bumps. "This certainly wasn't expected."

"The hemorragic demon she was made from carried similar traits, this is no surprise." The eldest responded and turned away. 

The second man walked to the second. "She is dead, yet walking, this is not right. She must be destroyed."

"She's beautiful. Look at the way she commands you to look at her." He ran his hand down the side of her body. "So lithe, graceful, dangerous."

"She is not right." As he turned and left the girl spoke.

"Come to me." She reached for the man who trusted her. "Be my first." She yanked her arm free of the shackle, easily breaking it. She grabbed him and ripped at his throat, draining him in seconds. She slashed her arm and let the blood drip into his mouth. "Your warrior, is now your leader." She said before she turned and ran into the village. All we heard were screams. I looked to Buffy and saw tears in her eyes, she turned to me and mouthed the words "It's True." The look of pain in her eyes could have killed me right there. I looked into her green eyes, brimming with tears, her lower lip beginning to quiver, and my mind went empty, all I could think to say was, "Just keep breathing love, just keep breathing."


	10. Drowning in Poison

Author's Note: Wow! I would like to thank thank thank Tigerdreams for the kindest words! I am thrilled that you enjoy this story (just as I am thrilled that all of you do), and wowzers am I thrilled to have made Spuffy a possibility to you. That's probably the nicest thing anyones ever said to me! Well you just earned a chapter dedication, so this one's for you! I would also like to thank everyone else who reviewed, and welcome to some new readers and reviewers. Remember if you review I feel inspired to write a chapter more quickly! So a big thanks to Jenny and Spygirl, for pushing me on too!!

She stands twelve feet above the flood  
She stares Alone   
Across the water  
The loneliness grows and slowly   
Fills her frozen body  
Sliding downwards   
One by one her senses die  
The memories fade   
And leave her eyes  
Still seeing worlds that never were  
And one by one the bright birds leave her... 

Starting at the violent sound  
She tries to turn  
But final Noiseless   
Slips and strikes her soft dark head  
The water bows  
Receives her  
And drowns her at its ease...

I would have left the world all bleeding  
Could I only help you, love  
The fleeting shapes  
So many years ago  
So young and beautiful and brave  
Everything was true  
It couldn't be a story...

I wish it was all true  
I wish it couldn't be a story  
The words all left me  
Lifeless  
Hoping  
Breathing like the drowning man -R. Smith 'The Drowning Man', The Cure Album: Faith

"Just breath love, just breathe." It was easy for him to say because he didn't need to. I had never been so terrified of what I am until this day. The only other time I can remember being this scared was when I was back on to of that tower with Dawn, only without the gaping dimensional portal. Tara was so damn calm, I really could have hit her, I love her to death, but I'm in a panic situation and she's all, 'see, learn, blah blah blah.'

The landscape shifted until the two men, the ones that didn't get eaten before, once again left the hut. This time, they had apparently gotten it right, because out pops dread-head. She's scary primal, but I feel this link to her, like I know her, like I feel everything she's been through.

"That's the first slayer? Damn, Red was right, she's one ugly bird." Spike spoke, I just glared at him. 

We turned back to the hut, where they were dragging the first girl we saw out of the hut. She was flailing, and she had her game face on. She growled at the first slayer. I guess this is like first vamp vs. first slayer. Though it doesn't seem like much of a fair fight, as first vamp is tied up. The first vamp wasn't about to go down without a fight though, she broke free of the shaman holding her, taking a nice chunk out of his neck. She didn't even try to feed, she just ripped him open, letting him bleed to death. First slayer was observing the other girl. She was also sniffing the air, which I am so glad is no longer part of the slayer gig.

"You know what you are to do." The last remaining shaman said. He was the oldest one, a true surprise when it came to survival.

The first slayer did know. Just as I did, just as I think all of us slayers knew. She broke a stick off of that tree, and within moments impaled the vampire on it. All that was left a second later was dust. It mixed with the sand and blew away. I guess I could see where showing me that I am made of that, that creature which I am sworn to kill would be important. But I didn't need 'How to Kill a Vampire 101.'

"Tara? Are we done here?"

"This was the beginning, this is what you are. But there is more, what you are becoming." She looked at me and smiled, reaching out and touching my face she said, "You are more today than she was, and you may be more than you are now."

In hallucination land things move quickly. Also everyone speaks English, which is a major bonus to me cos I couldn't master French let alone ancient African languages. Soon the image in front of us changed. We were in the same spot, but things had changed. What hadn't changed was the first slayer. She was still there. But she didn't seem as animalistic as she had at first, or as she had when she came to us in our dreams. Where the tent had been was now a graveyard. Well I guess it was a graveyard, cos she was sort of patrolling in it. 

"She is as old as you are now. Only two of you have lasted this long, besides her."

"Why?"

"Don't you know? There were things binding you to this plane. You too are chained to the earth. Your links are made of different stuff. Yours are friends, family, the people around you. The other had a child, but even a child can only bind you to this plane for so long. But her, the oldest, she was bound by duty. Perhaps she lasted this long because they didn't know about her, they hadn't had time to gather, her legend hadn't spread as it has by now for you. But still she survived." Tara stopped and turned back to the events before us.

I had never thought of it that way, my binds being those around me. I guess though they were, as not even death could sever the link.

She patrolled, she staked, but then something strange happened. Something that I guess also shows how unoriginal I really am. She stopped in front of a vampire. This one hadn't crawled from the ground as the others had, but instead it had been there the whole time, watching her. Apparently Mud 'n' Dreds was all the rage when they made her, because Vamp Dude was all covered in the mud too. Again, thank god things have changed since then.

"You are ready now slayer." He spoke to her, she only nodded. The moon above them was full, and bright, it made everything brighter. "You come to me because you have been drawn, your blood sings to me, as mine does to you." 

"Yesss." She answered. She seemed different though. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it was like she was drawn to him, not by thrall, but by some sort of lust. Like she needed him. She walked into his outstretched arms, and he held her.

"This is your final night. But you already knew this didn't you slayer?" She didn't speak, again she nodded. He tipped her head to him and kissed her softly. In that moment she seemed to stop being the slayer, and just seemed like a girl with a very fangy boyfriend, making out in some ancient cemetary. Something I knew a lot about. 

"So what, she makes with the vampire smoochies? Is this what I have to see?"

"No, watch, see."

When I looked back, I saw something that hadn't been there before. She was sick. She wasn't in top form, something was wrong with her. "Tara, what's wrong with her?"

She didn't get a chance to answer, Spike did. "She's dying, love."

"What's wrong with her? Why is she dying? How do you know she's dying Spike?" I got a bit hysterical then. I don't know why, it just felt unfair.

"I can smell it. Sometimes we can smell death, death before it comes. I don't know why she's dying, but she is." 

* * *

Buffy turned her tearfilled eyes to Tara. I wish I could have given her a better explanation than, 'she's dying' but I didn't know what else to tell her. I had only seen this look on the Slayer's face once before, it was when I found her on her back porch. I predict that's the night she found out something was wrong with Joyce, but I can't really be sure.

"Spike is correct, she is dying. Her own blood is poisoning her."

"What?" She was astonished, not that I can really blame her.

"The demon in her blood, it's killing her."

"Okay, but that's cos they didn't figure out how to make her right, right away. I mean this was like a one time glitch, those shamen guys totally fixed her right?"

"I think something else fixed her." I nodded for her to watch the scene playing out in front of her. The vamp was sucking the girl dry, I could sense when she was at the point you would turn her, it's right when the heart first stops, you can't take more than that. But he didn't stop, he finished her off, dropped the body, and ran off. Coward.

"But this was fixed right?"

Tara looked down at the ground, "It couldn't be fixed. But more importantly the shamen didn't see fit to fix this problem, as a slayer's worth was only imporant in so far as she was productive. A few more years and she wouldn't have been worth her weight."

"So, wait I don't have an expiration date, I have a freshness date? For best slayage please keep around for 21-22 years?"

"It will be beginning soon. Your human blood will begin attacking the demon blood in your system. It's like leukemia, where your blood cells go crazy and start attacking healthy cells thinking they are invaders. Well eventually the human blood turns on the demon inside."

"So we let the demon blood die, then I'm all real girl. Can hang up my stakes, maybe get a house with a white picket fence and 2 point 5 children, a god damn cat named Fluff."

"It doesn't work that way, you can't survive with your blood fighting it's own personal war." I said, but I don't think she heard.

"If anything Buffy, the demon blood will win. You won't be a girl at all."

"So what, I'm turning into a demon?"

"In a sense."

"Stop with the 'sort of' crap! I'm dying... Again! Tell me what they think will happen!"

"The human blood will consume your demon blood, and thus all of your strength. Eventually you will die. Your living body can't survive without the demon blood. You aren't human, you are more than human, without the demon your body will fall apart and you will die. Alternately if your demon blood fights back hard enough, it will kill everything about that is human, until there is nothing but the demon, which cannot survive in a living human shell."

"Great, thanks, for bringing me back, so I can die again!" Karma must really hate the slayer, she just gets screwed so damn often.

"But you said something about the New York slayer, she was hunting me or something." 

"Yes, Nikki. She made to this age, and she saw what you have seen. There was a rumour, about a way to possibly stop this, and offer the slayer some sort of life."

"Some sort of life, wow, that sounds fulfilling." Buffy sarcastically remarked. I really couldn't blame her. The landscape around us shifted until I knew where we were. Central Park, it was night, and there was me and her, dancing the night away. I forgot how good she was. The Chinese slayer was all swords and fancy martial arts, but the New York slayer, Nikki, well she had some moves, fists and, well I guess I had the fangs. Moves I didn't see again until Buffy. Maybe that's why I videoed her, maybe that's why I couldn't kill her, I wanted to dance just a while longer with her. "Is that her? Nikki?"

"Yeah love, that's her."

"And that's you too?" She motioned to my younger self.

"Yup." she watched us go back and forth. 

_"Well, all right. Got the moves, don't you? I'm gonna ride you hard before I put you away, luv."_ I nearly snorted at the girl.

_"You sure about that? You actually look a little wet and limp to me. And I ain't your 'luv.' "_ Buffy laughed when she said that, at least she was laughing.

We went back and forth, but finally we broke apart, I wasn't ready to kill her yet. Guess I got that from Angelus, sometimes it was worth it more to walk away and kill them another day. _"Don't want the dance to end so soon, do you, Nikki? The music's just starting, isn't it? By the way...love the coat."_  
  
"See Tara, I got issue with this. I looked a long time for this slayer. She wasn't easy to find, now you tell me, she was hunting me? Something's not right here."

"It took you so long because she was looking for the two of you."

"The two of who?"

"Yourself or Angelus. She needed one of the two of you to help her."

"Help her what?"

"She wanted you to turn her. There is a reason to believe that even if turned a slayer keeps her soul. It's a way to let the demon live in the body without it killing her."

"That's because I'm dead, no heartbeat, thirst for the blood of the innocent, kinda the first things we look for when trying to see if someone is a vampire. I should know, I'm kinda an expert around these parts."

"Angelus wouldn't do it, he had his soul at the time. So she came looking for me to do it. But why, I mean there were hundreds of vampires in New York at the time. Or hell, there was always Drusilla. And why couldn't they figure out a way to let the human live without the demon?"

"Yes, because Drusilla was so stable that she could be trusted to turn a slayer." Buffy riffed at me.

"I'll have you know New York was one of her more sane periods."

"Spike, your line goes back to the first. It is actually the shortest route to the beginning that you vamps have. The slayer needs a vampire who's bloodline is as close to hers as possible. You were the logical one to go to after Angel. Drusilla and yourself share the same level of separation from the original, you are only 4-5 steps from the beginning. It makes more sense for her to seek a male though, and well, it was pretty well known by then how insane Drusilla was. Plus we all sort of figured since you had killed a slayer it was a natural progression for you to want to turn one."

"We? Who exactly are we, pet?"

"The Guardians, the Watchers, and a few others higher up than my kind. We can't do anything to remove the demon without killing her, but then there is no way to make her human again. It's impossible."

"So you guys picked Spike, sent Nikki after him, but he didn't turn her."

"I snapped her neck. On the subway, she put up a hell of a fight, but she started to fail at the end, it was just a small thing, but she let me pin her, and I snapped her neck. I never even thought about turning a slayer, well not until Buffy at least."

"What!?! You wanted to turn me?"

"When you fell from that tower, for a minute I thought about it. I could have done it, but in the end I couldn't. Would've been the death of me, and I couldn't bare the thought of your mates having to stake you."

"Our time here is done. You have seen all that can be revealed. I believe you know what I was getting at when I told you about 'some sense of a life.'"

"An unlife. So I get an unlife, or I die."

"Only your dead shell can hold the demon, your living human body cannot handle the pure demon, but we can't get the demon out of you."

"Will I kill people?"

"That's your choice, soul or no soul, you can make the choice to kill or not." At least I did know something about this, I don't know not much about being a slayer, but I know a hell of a lot about being a vampire, you have urges to kill, but if you feed you can get your rocks off plenty just by killing other demons. And to feed all you really need is blood, any blood, human or not.

Tara looked up the the sky and shouted "Finate!" The next thing any of us knew was we were back in the training room at the Magic Box.

Buffy was panting next to me. When she looked up her eyes were full of tears. She pulled herself up and looked at Giles. It was the sort of stare that the phrase 'if looks could kill' was written about.

"I can see how it would seem inconvient to tell me that I was dying. What's this? Third time's a charm?" The anger underneath the words was painful, "I can't believe you didn't tell me about this Giles. You are my watcher, I depend on you to tell me what I need to know, when I can still do something about it. I can't believe you betrayed me like this. When I get back to my house I hope you aren't in it." She turned for the back door, and took off running, I saw a gleam of tears when she turned her head to look back once. 

"Buffy..." Rupert began.

"Shut up Rupert. There is nothing you can say to change this, at least not right now. Did you know she was dying?"

"Yes, but when she died I was so overwhelmed with gried I forgot about it. It wasn't until she caled me with what she overheard you telling Willow that I remembered. But prior to that, we were trying to defeat Glory, I didn't have the time to tell her these things."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Tara looked like she was going to break down.

"Rupert, take her home, and get a room at the Sunnydale Motel, I'll stop by later."

"You.. You can't go out alone, you're going to hurt someone, and I'll be to blame." Tara was rambling now. For a girl who sounded so on top of things in a hallucinatory world, she sure was messed up now.

"You have my word Tara, I'm not going to hurt anyone, I just need to make sure she doesn't hurt herself alright? Plus remember, you bound me or some rot, so I can't hurt someone even if I wanted to."

"O-o-okay. Can you tell her I'm sorry?"

"Of course love. Now off with the two of you." I got up and walked out the same door she had, only I didn't look back. The girl was drowning in a world full pain, and this time, it might just pull her under.


	11. The Remedy

**Author's Note:** Okay I kinda got on a roll with this one, so look back to back chapters! Already I see a new reviewer out there! Thanks RougeCrayon and welcome to the reviewing masses! Look I'm so excited to put up another chapter that I'm not going to badger you for reviews (they still are appreciated, and still make me write quick like a bunny!).

You'll never see - the courage I know  
It's colors' richness won't appear within your view  
I'll never glow - the way that you glow  
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you  
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights  
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception  
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights  
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you.  
You'll say you understand, but you don't understand  
You'll say you'd never give up seeing eye to eye  
But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie.  
You'll never touch - these things that I hold  
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own  
You'll never feel the heat of this soul  
My fever burns me deeper than I've ever shown - to you.  
You'll say don't fear your dreams, it's easier than it seems  
You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high  
But never is promise and you can't afford to lie.  
You'll never live the life that I live  
I'll never live a life that wakes me in the night  
You'll never hear themessage I give  
You'll say it looks as though I might give up this fight.  
But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights  
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception  
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights  
I realize what I am now to smart to mention - to you.  
You'll say you understand, you'll never understand  
I'll say I'll never wake up knowing how or why  
I don't know what to believe in, you don't know who I am  
You'll say I need appeasing when I start to cry  
But never is a promise and I'll never need a lie. -'Never is a Promise' by Fiona Apple from the album 'Tidal'

* * *

I knew where she'd be. I didn't even have to follow her scent trail. For some reason I just knew, it was like a homing becon in the night or some rubbish. I walked once I got to the cemetary. I was aware that on my way to her I might have to do some slaying on her behalf, but it was unusually quiet. 'm not complaining about that, I had bigger fish to fry.

She was in my old crypt. I guess it was still my crypt, but I hadn't been there in days. I could hear the muffled sobs when I first walked in, but I knew she wasn't in the upper area. I went down the ladder, she was curled up on the floor in the burnt out remains of my subterranean lair. 

"Come on love, you'll get yourself all mussed up, don't want to ruin your pretty things." I held out my hand to her.

"No, this is where I should be. In ashes, covered in ashes. Some day this is all that will be left of me."

I picked her up. She struggled a bit, but not as much as she could have. "Bollocks. I won't hear any of it." I set her down on her feet and she followed my lead up to the crypt. Her face was smeared with charcoal dust and tears. She looked so small. I hadn't seen her look this bad since she came back, and we had spent so many nights together with her just venting in silence or in shouts, venting to me about how unfair it all was, how she didn't want to be here, things she could never tell her real friends. And now once again here she was, with me, in the shadows, in the dark, looking for comfort. Looking for someone who could just accept what was in front of them. I remember those nights of watching her sob until she was out of tears, and wanting so badly to stop the pain.

She walked up to me, and looked me straight in the eye. It was then I could really feel how throughly this shook her. Slowly she raised her hand and pulled at the neck of her sweater, revealing bite marks that might as well have been from another life. "Just do it. I might as well get it over with." I pushed her back.

"You know love, I'm more of a right biter, and I'm not so fond of working through scar tissue. Plus, I'm not taking advantage of a bad situation. We'll take you home, and we'll call Angel. I'm sure he'll rush to the rescue when he hears what needs to be done. Then at least you'll be taken in love."

"It won't work that way." She said quietly as she backed away. She sat on the sarcophogas. "He's really busy, he's got a whole world to save. I could barely steal him away for a few hours when I came back, I doubt he'll be rushing up here to kill me. He's got a kid now, plus I think he's in love with Cordelia. Things have changed between us."

"Well he'd have to be be an even bigger poof than he already is if that's the case. I mean his magnificence should be able to take the time to drain the love of his bloody unlife."

"You'll do it for me won't you?"

"You know how I feel about you. I'd do just about anything you needed me to."

"What if I told you I wanted you to do it, that I didn't want Angel involved at all."

"I'd wonder when you went bonkers."

"Things are different now. Everything has changed so much, I've changed so much."

"Dyin'll do that to a person I hear."

"You've always been here for me. For the last couple of years anyways, I think you know me better than just about anyone. You promised me when you first came to Sunnydale that you were going to kill me. You said that when I had given up you were going to step in and have yourself a real good day."

"Love, I used to say a lot of crazy things. Think Drusilla rubbed off on me for a while there."

"You remember when you came looking for me to make that truce? When Angel opened up that hell sucking guy?"

"Yeah, I remember, pet."

"That was the day I realized you weren't like other vampires. I didn't like it, I hated it actually cos you made me think that vampires really could love someone. You loved Drusilla so much that you were willing to side with a mortal enemy just to get her away. I was so crushed because I knew that even though Angel loved me, and was trapped inside of Angleus, that Angelus could never love me."

"But he did. That's why he did all of those things to you. He's got a sick way of showing it but Angelus was bloody well consumed by you. You were all he thought about day and night."

"But it wasn't enough to stop him. He wanted nothing more than to put me six feet under."

"Angelus sort of has a kill the things you love theory on love."

"But you don't. You took care of her, and you take care of me. I know you'll take care of me, soul or no soul. I know you'll take me away if I'm dangerous to Dawn, I know if I go crazy you'll help fix me. I know you love me."

"That I do." I couldn't help it, when I said it, I'm pretty sure my voice dropped about 4 octaves. It came out almost as a whisper, a low rumbling whisper. She was going to break my heart into a million unfixable pieces, if she hadn't already. The demon in me wanted nothing more than to take her right at this moment, to suck her dry, to feed her, to make her mine. But the man in me couldn't, not just yet at least. "Come on slayer, I need to get you home." I shooed her off the sarcophogas.

"I don't think I can go there. I can't face Dawn with this. It'll break her heart."

"Love, I don't think she really cares whether you're walking amongst the legions of the undead or with humans, I think what matters to her is that you're around."

"She did fine without me."

"Only because she had all of us, and even so, when they weren't around she fell apart. S'not easy to lose your mum and big sis in a few months time. Once she even asked me why I didn't turn you, if only to keep you around for her. That broke my heart. She loves you more than you will ever know, and she needs you, desperately."

"I don't think I can do this to her, or any of them." We were walking through the cemetary headed towards Revello Drive by now. I lit a cigarette as she continued. "It's not fair. It's not fair to any of you."

"Are you including me in this senario?"

"Yeah. I mean imagine how unpopular you are gonna become when they find out you turned a slayer?"

"Pretty sure I don't care what my fellow undead Americans think."

"I don't know, maybe I should just die. Maybe Faith can get out on parole and resume slaying duty. I mean she's got a couple of years left before she starts dying. She's got to be like 19 by now. Then they can start all over with some new girl."

"I really won't hear any of this. At your house you have the most powerful witch that I have ever met, and I've met plenty. Red's got mojo that I haven't felt since those gypsies who cursed Peaches."

"Yeah, but she's a Wicca that Won'ta. She can't do magicks, it might push her over the edge."

"If it was to save you I'm pretty sure that she would risk it. She did before to bring you back."

"And we all saw how well that worked out."

"They'll figure something out, they always do. And you're not dying yet, I'd know, I could feel it if you were." I would know, as I had felt it in Nikki, and even when we were in the dream state I knew that ugly bird was dyin'. 

"It'll be easier if we get this over with sooner rather than later."

"Are you going to tell them?"

"Yeah." We were on her front porch by now.

"Then how about this, I'll see you on Saturday."

"What happens on Saturday?"

"I kill you."

"Okay. That gives me a couple of days to get this all straightened out."

"And a few days for Red to figure out a way to stop it."

"Sure. Whatever you say." She walked up to me and tentatively wrapped her arms around me, she was bloody well hugging me! I hugged her back, I knew she needed this. "Thanks Spike."

"For what love? My manly arms?"

"For putting some sense back in me." She didn't let go of me, she just sort of stood there, holding on. "Oh god! Giles!" She quickly let go of me. "Oh man, Giles probably hates me. I was kinda a bitch to him wasn't I?"

"No, I think 'Get out of my house' is the sort of thing that screams of love. It's alright, I'll go talk to him."

"You don't have to come back here to be locked up like an animal or anything. I think I can trust you to not eat anyone, well anyone I know at least."

"I don't plan on eatin' anyone. Got plenty of pigs blood back at my crypt, and once you get used to it, it's not so bad."

"Okay. See you Saturday?"

"Of course, unless I need to see you sooner. Or if we find a way to fix you up good and proper. Know one thing love, I promise if I have to turn you, I'll never leave you. You'll always have me, for as long as you'll have me at least."

"Night, Spike." She smiled a small smile at me.

"G'Night Buffy." I so rarely used her name that it almost felt alien coming out of my mouth. She turned and went in the house. I could hear the girls ambush her as she walked in. Loads of 'I'm sorry's and 'we'll figure something out's. I'm pretty sure that they could find some way to stop all of this, and if not, I guess I'm the pinch hitter now aren't I? 

I headed towards the Sunnydale Motel. I stopped off and picked up a good bottle of bourbon on the way though. I figure after a day like today, Rupert's gonna need the good stuff.

* * *

They really did their best to comfort me. But the amount of satisfaction I had after talking to Spike was slowly slipping away, and they really weren't helping. I mean I was going to die, whether by choice or by destiny, I was going to die. It's not everyday you get a warning like that. I sort of know the way that a cancer patient must feel when they are told, 'sorry, but there is nothing more we can do, you're gonna die, here would you like some morphine?' Only I don't get morphine. 

Tara feels guilty, like she should have told me sooner or something. But how do you bring that up? I can hear it _'So Buffy, see I'm a guardian and I was sort of sent here to watch over you, and man do I have some bad news. You're gonna die cos what makes you the slayer also is what makes vampires, vampires. So now you've gotta choice, be a vampire or die. By the way, lovely weather we're having isn't it?'_ Somehow, I don't think she could have told me sooner than today. 

Willow wants to get Xander and Giles over here for emergency Scooby research. She even wants Anya to help, which means she thinks its really bad. But she doesn't say it. None of them can bring themselves to say it. Buffy you are going to die. Hell, I can barely say it to myself. Willow thinks she can work some spell or something to make it better, she even thinks that if she goes to Rack and gets juiced up with the combined powers of her Tara and Amy they can make me a real girl. A real girl, no super powers, no super healing powers, just a girl. I don't know if I can be just a girl, and I don't think Willow should go near Rack again. If I had half a mind I'd go over there and kill him myself.

Dawn was strangely silent through most of their ranting. Finally Willow and Tara left to start making phone calls, and I was left alone with Dawn. Dawn, who in the last year had been through so much for someone who technically speaking was barely a year old. She's scared and I can tell. She knows I don't have a hell of a lot of options. She also doesn't have issues with me being a vampire. Apparently Spike knows my little sister better than I do.She just wants me around. I can see it in her though, she's got some fantasy in her head about Spike and me, about us, I don't know becoming vampire mates or something. See she's got all sorts of ideas in her head thanks to finding out about Connor. I'm not Darla, and Spike's definately no Angel.

I went up to bed before anyone could stop me. I locked the door behind me, but I opened the window. Willow had mentioned wanting to call Angel and Wesley, ot see if we could use some of their resources. I told her flat out no, under no circumstances are they to be told about this. That was an hour ago, now I'm wondering if I shouldn't call them, invite them up for a 'last chance to watch Buffy breathe party' or some shit. 

Surprisingly, it's easy for me to fall asleep. It shouldn't be, but somewhere deep inside of me, there was a certain understanding that came over me. On Saturday I will die. But on Sunday I will be reborn. Everything will be okay. Somehow I felt safe in the fact that it was Spike who'd save me. Somehow I knew this was right. And sometime during the night while I slept someone crept in, closed the window, and pulled the shades closed. And later that someone crawled into my bed, and wrapped his cool arms around me, and kissed my forehead. All I know is I felt safe, and like I'd never be alone again.


	12. Last Call

Author's Note: When I get on a roll, I get on a roll. All of the lovely reviews from new and old readers keep the ball rolling. But if you, dear reader, should find yourself with an unfulfilled hunger from reading this story, maybe you should check out my other stories: Arkhangelsk, The Dead Cannot Die, and From Beaneth You it Devours. Yes I am a shameless self promoter, but someone has to be. I might also be getting some of my older single chapter BtVS short stories up here. Okay, you got me, I only have one, but it's about Faith, and who doesn't love a little Faith sometimes? (BTW: Eliza's new show sucks, I can't believe she gave up an opportunity to be the spin off queen for this crap). I'll shut up now. But keep the reviews coming! Also if you find yourself bored check out my favorite stories, I'm sure you'll find something you like in there. 

* * *

When I woke up, Spike was gone. From the indent on the pillow next to me though, I know he was here. It was the sunshine that woke me up. He must have reopened the shades before he left, because I woke up bathed in sunlight. A luxury I would soon not be able to enjoy. I got out of bed and showered and dressed and did all my normal generic morning crap. These mundanities would surely pass over into my unlife.

I went downstairs to find Willow, Tara, Dawn, Xander and Giles asleep at the dining room table. There were books scattered all over the place, Willow was face down in her laptop. I did my best to sneak into the kitchen to make coffee. It was moments like this that I wished I could drive, it would have been nice to go out and get a box of doughnuts, but instead they were going to have to settle for various sugar coated cereals or pancakes. I heard rustling coming from the dining room, and a very sleep Willow walked into the kitchen. There were a few computer keys impressioned into her face. I laughed at her.

"What? Is there drool?" she asked.

"No, more like Enter, Shift and perhaps an apostrophe."

"Oh, keyboard face, even better. How are you?"

"Surprisingly okay with my imminent death."

"We did a lot of research last night. I think we can pretty confidently say you won't be a souless blood sucking fiend. More like a sipping pigs blood from a novelty mug fluffy puppy vampire-fiend."

"Yeah, Tara had mentioned something about that. I figured if anything you could resoul me like you did with Angelus."

"No, we also found a way to tether your soul, so even if the slayer keeping her soul thingy is wrong, we'll have your soul on lock down."

"That's good."

"But we haven't found any way around this whole Buffy dies senario. We'll keep looking."

"You have until Saturday."

"Why?"

"Because on Saturday I'm going to die. I like to pencil things like death into my day planner. Makes everything so much easier."

"But, I mean maybe another week and we can find something. Isn't this a bit, I don't know, hasty?"

"Hasty-schmasty, it's my decision, and it's final."

"Okay. Is there anything you want to do before, you know, before you get a sudden sun allergy?"

"I was thinking we should go to the beach, maybe Disneyland. Otherwise pretty much everything else can be done at night. But I was feeling the call of the ocean, and the sun. I might even forego an SPF due to lack of future skin cancer risk."

"You wild thing. Yeah, that sounds nice. We'll pack up a picnic and get the whole gang together, maybe Xander will even grill."

"Do we trust him with matches?"

"I think it's a safe bet that he won't be burning down the sandy beaches anytime soon." Willow grabbed a cup of coffee, "I'll go wake the masses, tell them the plan. A day off of all this research will probably be good for us." 

"But you just started the research."

"Yeah, but we can research tonight. I think there are some things that are a bit more important right now, things like you." Willow left, and I grabbed my cup of coffee and went out on the back porch.

I was startled when Anya materialized before me.

"You ran off, and we didn't get to go out and consume alcoholic beverages."

"Sorry, something more important came up."

"What that whole schpiel about you dying? Really it's not that bad, and immortality has its advantages, I mean you'll never need to moisturize again."

"Thanks for the tip."

"No problem. Also you will never need to use condoms or anything. But you've been having sex with Spike so I doubt you have been using them anyways. Not like he's a pregnancy threat right? Do you think he'd be interested in more sex with me? He was very good, and I think with our combined demon stamina we could break Sting's record."

"Let's just pretend you never said that okay? What's up Anya?"

"I talked to the boys. Strange little men those two. The blonde one was attempting to talk to his elbow. He was delusionally believing that they could communicate with Warren that way."

"Did you find anything out?"

"Besides that they know nothing, and have a deep seated fear of men named Bubba?"

"Damn."

"Neither one has seen or talked to Warren since he rocket-manned his way out of there. The blonde one thinks that Warren is going to rescue them. I can't believe these guys were a threat. They are kind of stupid."

"So I guess they had nothing to do with Spike's chip going missing."

"I'm thinking thats a big no. But something strange did happen. I went to see D'Hoffryn, and he was talking to someone new. He doesn't pick up new recuits often, and I'm pretty sure I would have heard that there was a new member of the fold. Even Hallie hadn't heard and she knows all the gossip. He was very familiar, as if I've seen him someplace before. But I mean, I've been around for a while, so that doesn't mean much."

"Familiar? What did he look like?"

"Dark hair, about so high, really nothing remarkable about him."

"Terrific. Well, I'm still suspicious of Warren. He's capable of almost anything, and well, I just know he had something to do with Spike's chip going missing."

"I wish I could be of more help. So when's the big day?"

"The big day?"

"Err, I should probably say night. When are you getting turned?"

"Next Saturday."

"Saturday's are good for that sort of thing."

"I thought so. Hey, we're gonna go to the beach for the day, want to come with?"

"Hmm, I have a 3:30 de-spining. Seriously Buffy, if you had any idea how uncreative women are these days, you'd be so disappointed in your gender. If I have to hear 'I wish he was just the spineless jelly fish that he acts like' one more time, I'm actually going to go mad."

"I wish I could say I can sympathize, but I can't."

"I'll stop out at the beach before that though. Will Xander be grilling?"

"It's a distinct possibility."

"Then I'll bring something to eat, or eat before I get there. I'll see you later." With one grand motion she was gone again. I wish I could teleport, I bet it's even more fun than being invisible.

I went back into the house, gathered up Dawn's and my stuff, and helped pack up the car. I did pull Giles aside and appologize, but I think he kind of understood why I freaked on him. Then we headed off for the beach. It was unseasonably warm. I mea it's spring, it shouldn't be warm enough for beaching. But it was, or maybe none of us cared that it was cooler out, we were just happy to get this moment. One of our last hangin' in the sun Scooby meetings. I have 2 days, 2 days left to live, and for some reason, I still barely feel alive.

* * *

I had sent Giles over to Buffy's house and then went to her house myself. I didn't want her to be alone tonight. I hate the thought of her ever being alone again. I'm also scared to death about what I need to do this Saturday. Another slayer's blood in my system. Two years ago, the idea would have thrilled me beyond belief, but now it just fills me with sadness. 

I'm going to be responsible for her. I've never been very good at that sort of thing. Sure, I could take care of Dru, but that was really only after Prague. For as bat-shit crazy as the girl was, before Prague she didn't need me to care for her. And after I cured her, she did the taking care of. It was strange, but sometimes I think she thought of me as nothing more than a glorified, taller Miss Edith. She once tried to make me have tea with her and everything. 

But Buffy wasn't Dru. She would never be Dru, thank god. She'd never rip the throat out of a child. She'd never have a penchant for priests. She'd never taste the blood of a human if I could prevent it. 

I left just before dawn. I had enough time to get back to the crypt, and now here I am. Just me and my thoughts. Well that and Jeopardy. I fancy myself to be pretty good at Jeopardy, if only because after 125 plus years I've come to know a thing or two. Soon though I may have a daytime companion. I can't imagine she's going to come rushing to my arms for me to teach her all about what she's become. If only because she knows. She kills our kind every single day. I won't have to teach her not to touch crosses, or to avoid holy water at all costs. She knows about invitations, stakes and beheadings. She knows we don't sleep in coffins, nor do we turn into bats. Well most of us anyways. She's not your average stupid human, but then again she's not really average in any sense of the word now is she?

I've decided I'm not going to bury her. She's had enough experience clawing her way out of a coffin, I don't think she needs any more. Plus, s'not like we really need to hold another funeral. I don't think she should rise at home though either. If there is something wrong, if her soul isn't there, I don't want the lot of them to have to see it. I don't want them to see her first game face. I don't think they realize what's really going to happen to her. I am going to stay with her until she wakes again, and then she will make her own decisions on what to do, and where to go, and how this whole plan is going to work. I'm leaving it up to her. 

I never intended this to happen. After she told me about heaven, well I sort of swore to myself that no matter what happened to her, I was going to make sure she got back there. I will never make it there, but she deserves it. She's as close to heaven as I'll ever get, and if that's any indication of how sweet heaven really is, I don't think I'd be able to handle all of it any ways. But now, I have to do this for her, as much as it's going to kill me to do it. See I might be souless and now chipless, but that doesn't mean I can't feel bad for the poor girl. I'm pretty sure she has the karmic luck of a cockroach.

While she's busy living out what remains of her life, I sit here, waiting for her death. Sick isn't it? Some part of me is so damn thrilled with the prospects of keeping her with me for an eternity, while another part curses me for ever thinking such a thought. Funny thing, I don't have a soul, but when it comes to her, sometimes I feel so much that it's hard for me to believe I'm really empty inside. Maybe she's my soul, my conscious, because I just couldn't bare to hurt her.

**Sorry this is so short... it's kinda a filler chapter, or something. Yeah. Filler.


	13. Last Dance

A/N: Not too much of a note here. Extra long chapter cos I didn't think it was fair to split it in half. Enjoy.

I'm so glad you came, I'm so glad you remembered.   
To see how we're ending, Our last dance together.   
Expectant. Too puctual.  
But prettier than ever.   
I really believe that this time it's forever.  
  
But older than me now. More constant. More real.  
And the fur and the mouth and the innocence,  
Turned to hair and contentment,   
That hangs in a basement.   
A woman now standing where once,  
There was only a girl.  
  
I'm so glad you came, I'm so glad you remembered.  
The walking through walls in the heart of December.   
The blindness of happiness.  
Of falling down laughing.  
And I really believed that this time was forever.  
  
But Christmas falls late now.   
Flatter and colder,  
And never as bright as when we used to fall.   
All this in an instant. Before I can kiss you.   
A woman now standing where once,   
There was only a girl.  
  
I'm so glad you came. I'm so glad you remembered.   
To see how we're ending. Our last dance together.   
Reluctantly. Cautiously.  
But prettier than ever.   
I really believe that this time it's forever.  
  
But Christmas falls late now.   
Flatter and colder,  
And never as bright as when we used to fall.   
And even if we drink,  
I don't think we would kiss in the way that we did,  
When the woman was only a girl. -Last Dance R. Smith, The cure

It was Saturday afternoon. Thursday and Friday had dragged by, but today, well it seemed to be going too fast. Tara and Willow tethered my soul to my body, guaranteed to have no 'perfect happiness' clause. And now, well now I was sitting on the bench in the backyard, waiting for who? The damn reaper? Everyone was at the house. Even Anya took the day off, why I do not know. She's one odd girl, demon, whatever. I fled the house about a half an hour ago. I actually think they are enjoying blacking out the windows, it's like some weird party ritual to them.

I haven't seen Spike since the night I found out. He did sneak in and share my bed each of the last nights, but I did my best to not let him know I knew he was there. Last night he left a note. It was strange, the only other vampire notes I had ever recieved were from Angelus, and they were generally along the Psychotic Warning vein. But the handwriting was different, it wasn't what I had known, instead it was more of a flowery scrawl. So flowery that for a second I didn't think it was his. I forgot that back in the day penmanship was like an art or something. It was simple, just a folded card with my name on it, inside all it said was: Tonight.

Tonight it would really happen. Tonight I would die, again. Tonight everything would change, but in a way nothing would. 

I heard a rustling of the bushes at the very back of the yard. I knew who it was.

"Spike, isn't it a little early for you to be out wandering around?"

"Sun's low enough, thought I'd go for a walk, clear the webs out of the old cranium."

"So along with this whole vampire thing, my brain is going to dry up and leave nothing but an empty cavity? You know a few times when I hit you in the head I could have sworn I heard a hollow noise."

"Funny, pet." He walked out from the bushes, but hugged the tree line. There was plenty of shade there. "Why aren't you in there making with the merry and the like?"

"I'm all merried out."

"Quite a nice sunburn you're working there. It's fetching, really, nothing like a tomato red girl to get the old juices pumping."

"Ugg." I was sunburned, my no sunscreen plan went horribly awry when I fell asleep on the beach.

"So you all ready?"

"For what? Death? Got a news flash for you Spike, I've been there twice."

"Not death, your last sunset. You really ought to head up the hill to catch a good glimpse of it. Nothing will ever compare to it again. It's one of those things that I wish I could have appreciated."

"Yeah, I think that's one of the many 'we love Buffy' group activities planned for my last day."

"Don't be so flip love. You've got a whole shack full of people who love you to pieces. Someday, you won't have any of them, so you might as well enjoy every second you have with them."

"I know, it's just, I guess, it's one of those things, once again I'm going to be something that none of them can really understand. First it was vampire slayer, and now it's just vampire. I just feel bad, like maybe I'm keeping them from having real lives."

"I think their real lives are here with you. Real lives don't get any realer and livlier than when you live on a hellmouth."

"I guess."

"Well, I should go now."

"Spike, wait." I stood up and walked towards him, "Thanks, if I don't say it again, well I'm sorry, but thanks for this. I don't think there's really anyone else I would trust to kill me. Hmm that sounds weird doesn't it?"

"A bit." I reached forward and hugged him. Hugged him like a friend, nothing more.

"So where are we going to do this? I predict you are in no mood for an audience, well more like I'm not in the mood to have all my pals watch me die, again."

"I was thinking the crypt. Come over when ever you feel like it. This is sort of your show tonight love. You get to decide the when, the where, the how. It's all up to you."

"Okay, I'll see you a little later." He turned and left. I turned and went back to the house. 

An hour or so later we went up to the hill. The same hill that Angel tried to kill himself on, the one that looks over the whole town. It's a lovely view, and Spike was right, you really can't beat a sunset from up there. A short while later I left the house and headed to the crypt. I left all my friends behind. I left them in my near past, I had to walk away.

* * *

I had an idea of how long she could stand to be with her gang after sunset. I gave her 2 hours max. After talking to her this afternoon, I had one of those strokes of genius. An epiphany of sorts. Wasn't fair for her to go down without a fight. Any self respecting slayer wouldn't just let a vampire kill her. Plus I was a tad concerned that it might get around that the slayer volunteered to join the league of undead Americans, which couldn't be good for either of our reputations. 

I knew the way she took to my crypt, so I waited for her. I figured a little dancing never hurt anyone, right? When I saw her heading my way, I got ready, when she got close enough, I jumped her.

"Spike! What the hell?" She said as she flipped over a tombstone.

"Come on Love, play along! Little rough and tumble before your big night."

"I thought this was my night, my decisions?" She jumped back into fighting stance, flipping that blonde hair behind her, damn she's a beauty.

"I'm not known for keeping my word, love. Demon here remember?"

"But.." She put on the pout.

"Now that isn't going to stop me. You remember how this goes. We fight, you die. Really quite simple."

"And when did this become the plan?"

"When I figured out it wouldn't do either of us any good to have the whole demon underworld know that the slayer volunteered for immortality. Might make some of the more dangerous ones testy. You don't want to see a testy Shirago demon, it's even worse than when they sing and dance." Sometimes the truth actually works.

"Okay, I guess."

"I could knock you unconscious and drag you off to my lair, that might work eh?"

"Yeah, cos that plan always works so well."

"And you have a better one?"

"Yeah, we walk to your crypt, I take a spot on the couch, you kill me and turn me."

"That just seems... well unpoetic for starters."

"I can't believe we are going to fight about how I'm going to die."

"No reason to be surprised. We've always been best with each other when we were dancin'" Then I lunged at her. Fighting with her was one of the most freeing experiences I had ever had. 

* * *

Warren stood on the outskirts of the cemetary. He was out of earshot of the conversation, but he could see it plain as day. The slayer and Spike were fighting, and well, frankly she didn't seem to have it in her. Spike was going to win, he was going to kill her, and D'Hoffryn would be very happy. So happy he might bring him on as a full time vengeance demon. Right now what he had going was temporary. If Spike didn't kill the slayer, and if Anya didn't come running back to the fold (with her former gusto), Warren wouldn't just be out of power. He'd be dead.

* * *

"So are we going to do this the easy way, or the hard way?" I chastized her. I knew how to push her buttons, among other things.

"Fine, if this is the way you want it, we'll fight. I just thought this was going to be simpler than this."

"Listen love, I've got 2 slayers under my belt, if I'm adding a thrid, she's going down fighting. I'm not about to let you roll over and play dead."

And so we started to fight. She was trying, not very hard, but she was trying. I guess it's a bit hard to put your heart in it when you know its the last fight you will ever have. Soon though, she fell into the easy rhythm we so many times had found. It probably sounds a bit romantic to say that we didn't fight, we danced. I remembered Nikki clear as day, she was one hell of a dancer. But Buffy, well, lets just say Nikki was in the chorus and Buffy's the fuckin' prima-ballerina. 

I knew though, that to win this fight, I would have to be the one to step on someone's toes. I would have to drop the beat, and pick up a new one, one that could grab her and drag her away.

"Buffy, love, you know what?"

"What Spike" She panted backing up slightly before kicking out at me.

I grabbed that foot and twisted her leg so she came down hard, "I think I'm having myself a right fine day."

"Peachy." She looked up at me and I saw it. She was done.

"I'm sorry pet." I said.

"For wha... ohhh" I hit her hard on the head, hard enough to knock her out, but not to do any real damage. Then I picked her up, and carried her off.

* * *

I woke up in the crypt, on Spike's bed. More or less in Spike's bed, he covered me with the velvet blanket. My head was pounding. He had lit up the crypt with all of his candles. It really wasn't so awful a place anymore. He really had done a nice job. It fit him, it was Spike.

"How's the head, love?"

"It's like a whole marching band is marching out of synch in my head."

"Sorry 'bout that, but I swear it was for your own good. If anyone saw us they think I kicked your ass."

"Wow, and you did that for my reputation?" Sarcasm is my friend.

"Never claimed to be selfless."

"Apparently. What time is it?"

"Almost midnight."

"So when are we gonna do this?"

"As soon as you are ready."

"We should probably just get this over with. I mean, I've got an unlife to live!" I tried to sound cheery, but I really couldn't be. This was scary.

"If you want to wait, we can. we don't have to do this right now, you know that right?"

"Yeah, but I mean I'm probably as ready for this as I'll ever be." He walked over to the bed and sat down next to me. He brought up his hand and moved the hair off my neck.

"Are you sure?"

"As sure as I think one gets over this." He looked sad. That was really the only way to put it. I could see he was apprehensive.

"I remember the first time I saw you, you were nothing but a slip of a girl. For all you had faced and all you had battled you were still this innocent little thing. Just trying to make it through her life as normal as possible. I became enamored by you. I was near to obsessed with killing you."

"Thanks for the pep talk." He shushed me, and looked me straight in the eye.

"And now there is nothing that terrifies me more than being responsible for your death. I blamed myself last time, but it wasn't my fault. This time it will be. And now, now you aren't a girl anymore are you? Your mum would have been so proud of you for what you did for Dawn." I could see he was trying to hold something back, "Buffy, I will never leave you unless you ask me to. Even then I won't be far from you in case you ever need me. I will take care of you if you need me to, I will do whatever you need me to do to help you. I love you, and you really can't change that, no matter how hard you fight me on it, I'm going to love you. Now you are going to need that more than ever. Just remember I am always here."

"I know." I couldn't help it I think a tear rolled down my cheek. He wiped it away, and moved in on my neck. Very quietly, so near to silence I wasn't sure I had actually heard it he said "'m sorry love." Then he bit down. 

This wasn't like when Angel bit me. Angel was more, well, savage. Spike was trying not to hurt me. At first it did hurt a bit, but then it was more, nice, some might even say pleasurable. Hell, who am I kidding, it was damn exhilirating, and it kinda turned me on. Then I got floaty, I could feel myself nodding in and out, I didn't think it would be this fast. Then everything went black.

* * *

She went slack in my arms. It had been years since I had fresh human blood corsing through this old shell of mine, it was bloody magnificent. When I looked down at her, it hurt. She was dead. By my hand, just as planned. But now I wasn't too sure I could seal the deal. She just looked so damn peaceful, and I wondered if for these fleeting moments she was in heaven, and then I wondered if she would remember that this time I ripped her out of there. I whispered in her ear 'I love you.'

It was seconds only, but I found myself slicing open my wrist and holding it to her mouth, I did it by reflex only, and not by will. Perhaps it was my subconscious that wanted to do it, and thus put the wheels in motion. Then it was all done, and all I had to do was wait. A sudden wash of emotion came over me. Anyone who tells you vampires don't have emotions is full of bollocks, alternately they may just not know a vampire. But this rush of feeling was stronger than any I had felt before, it actually physically hurt.

It was a pain that sliced through me, it was so strong that I fell off the bed. It felt like someone was clawing at my insides, something inside me stirred, and I felt like I was dying all over again. This hadn't happened with the Chinese Slayer so I can only attribute this to Buffy, but I think it was that moment that it came true. She really was my soul, and now a part of hers was taking over me.


	14. HalfLife

Author's Note: I'm trying to limit my ramblings. I want to say thanks for all the reviews (as usual) and keep 'em coming!!

* * *

Warren had followed Spike and the Slayer back to the crypt. He had hung low, and eventually found one of the little windows that he could sort of see through. He saw everything he needed to know. Spike drained Buffy right before his eyes. It was all he needed to see. Now there was someone else he needed to see.

He headed back to his house where he went to D'Hoffryn. He explained everything to D'Hoffryn, about the slayer being dead, about Spike doing it, everything.

"It was nothing personal. I really had no issue with the slayer. She never really bothered any of us. But, it was partly her fault that Anyanka just isn't the same. I know Anyanka needed some time to get readjusted, but I felt as long as she stayed with those mortals she would always let them guide her morals. We don't have morals." D'Hoffryn explained, "Are you sure this wasn't just one of their sexual encounters? The slayer and her vampire like it a bit rough, or so we've been told."

"Not unless they are into death roleplaying. She was dead. Dead as in door nail."

"Good. How long do you think it will take for the news to spread?"

"I was planning on delivering it myself. I'm pretty sure they would like nothing more than to dust Spike after what he has done. I'd be more than happy to be the bearer of bad news."

"Do you think that's smart? They aren't fans of yours, I doubt they would let you get away."

"When they are that broken up about their poor, dead Buffy? Please they'll be more interested in getting rid of Spike than holding me hostage."

"Fine then, deliver the news. Bring Anyanka back with you."

"But she doesn't know what I am."

"Well, she's going to soon enough. Might as well let the cat out of the bag. My Anyanka's a smart girl, I don't like to play favorites. Hell, yes I do, she is my favorite of all of you. You bring her back to me, you help me get her out of this goddess foresaken Hell Mouth, and I will reward you. Remember that. Now go, I'm sick of looking at you." With that Warren left Arashmahal and headed back to Sunnydale. Dimensional teleporting still wasn't easy for him, but it was the only way to get home.

* * *

Where ever I was it was dark. Pitch black actually. I thought that I was in a coffin, again. I was wrong, I hadn't opened my eyes yet. I was still in Spike's tomb, on the bed. It was dark outside, and there was no alternate light source in the tomb. I could see clear as day. Now I know why vampires never had night sight issues. It was loud, and it stank. It was like all of a sudden I could hear everything. Every rat downstairs, every leaf rustling outside, but what was even more disturbing was I didn't hear a heartbeat, mine was gone, my heart didn't pump, it kind of a strange feeling when you are so used to it. The smell? Well what can I say, the world is a damn smelly place, even moreso if you're a vampire. 

"Spike?" I called out. Only after that did I hear him. He was on the far side of the room, mumbling.

"Sorry, so sorry. I killed her and she and you, killed you all, all my fault. William's been a naughty boy, the constable will have none of it. Dead all dead." He was rocking back and forth holding his knees to his chest in the corner. I kneeled down to him and touched his face.

"Spike? What's wrong?"

He screamed when he looked at me. "My fault, my fault, made you into a monster. Have to stop it. Have to stop it." He got up and was looking for something.

"Spike, what are you talking about? When did you go all Rain Man on me?"

"There you go, there, now heaven's angels won't have to look too far for you." He had a stake and was coming at me. I grabbed his arm and pinned it behind him, and threw him on the floor, loosening the stake from his grips, letting it fly across the room. Think that whole vampire thing made me just a bit stronger, or he was somehow weaker.

"Spike what the hell is wrong with you?!?"

"Made you ugly. Made you like me, filled you up with the evil, now I have to stop you." I reached up and touched my face. Sure enough, bumpies were there, I nicked my finger on one of my fangs. The metallic smell of my own blood was amazing, of all the stinky things in this world, blood might as well have smelled like roses.

"Spike, how do I make the bumpies go away? Come on, concentrate here. How do I change back to human face?"

"Sometimes you think real hard about how much you've done. You don't feel bad, but then, then this hits you. Angelus should have warned me. Should have told me what it was like."

"How do I fix my face Spike?" I was getting impatient, impatient at a rate much quicker than before.

"Bloody hell! Just think about it pet, it'll go away!" He almost sounded lucid. He was scaring me, it was like he was Drusilla, but without the whole creepy seeing thing. I thought about it, and felt my face change back. It felt wierd, like my skin was going to crawl off my face. I guess that was beause it was, sort of. "You'll need to feed soon. In the fridge is a quart of pigs blood, drink it down otherwise you won't be able to control the demon."

"Spike? Are you okay now? What was going on?"

"Don't know, things have been off since... since I fed you. Thought at first it was cos I hadn't fed off a person in so long, but now, Buffy, it hurts."

"What hurts?"

"It's like a flame inside of me. It's like your blood is boiling me from the inside out."

"We need to see Giles, he'll know what to do."

"Can't, you need to eat otherwise you might make your friends into your first meal."

"Doubt it, I'm feeling pretty normal. I mean why didn't you tell me that Sunnydale smells this bad?"

"You sort of don't notice it after a bit."

"Great. Well I don't feel like hurting anyone, or being all 'grr'. I think my soul is stay-put-y."

"I wouldn't be so sure, love." I hadn't noticed before, but Spike looked awful. His hair was a mess, he was covered in dirt and god knows what. His shirt was torn up pretty bad, and his eyes, I could swear there was something there that I hadn't seen before. Like this fire within.

"Fine, I'll eat up, and we'll go see the gang. Something's up." I was worried about him. As quickly as the 'normal' Spike showed up, he disappeared leaving only this blabbering crazy man. Something definately didn't go as expected.

* * *

There were spots in my memory I couldn't fill. For some time after the pain started I basically was knocked out. Then the memories started flooding the very recesses of my mind. The only explanation I could offer was that maybe I sucked her soul out of her. I know it sounds strange, but when you're laying on a crypt floor talking to imaginary dead people, these notions don't strike you as odd. I hurt, that was for sure. Felt like someone was ripping my intestines out and making a lovely neck scarf out of them. I had seen it done, I could imagine the pain of evisceration.

I wasn't so sure heading off to the Scooby Gang was a brilliant move. As I still wasn't sure she even had a soul. She did seem to be handling her transformation surprisingly well. But as I could barely remain stable long enough to comprehend what may have been going on, I surely couldn't stop to make sure the soul was stuck in her. I know she was looking at me as though I had turned bat-fuck insane. I couldn't blame her.

Some where in my head though I was thinking rationally. I remembered fighting her in the cemetary, I remembered he cell phone in her jacket. I wandered the room as she ate. It was strange seeing her suck down a quart of blood like it was a diet cola. I guess all her concerns about my disgusting habits had gone astray at the first sniff of blood. I grabbed the phone out of her jacket, I found it on the couch. I wandered over to her. My head was racing, trying to find the words I needed.

"Tara." I said as I handed her the phone.

"No, I'm Buffy, not Tara." She replied in a condescending tone.

"Call Tara." I got the words out before clutching my head. The agony was unbearable. I actually wanted to find that stake she ripped out of my hand earlier and stake myself.

The the images, ghosts perhaps, or maybe just hallucinations began again. I can't tell you if I was awake or knocked out or what, but they were all there: mother, slayers, girls in ball gowns, men in zoot suits, even that flower person I ate at woodstock. Different times, but all the same look of terror on their faces. It was as if they were all frozen at the second they realized they were going to die. They were all there, staring at me, wishing me the pain I gave to them.

* * *

I carried Spike all the way to the house. I didn't call Tara as he had requested, I figured we all needed to find out what the hell was going on. I opened the front door, but I couldn't get inside. An invisible barrier prevented me from entering my own house.

"DAWN!!! Get down here now!!" I yelled up the stairs. The house was mostly dark, a testament to me having no clue what time it was. Dawn came down the stairs with Willow and Tara close behind.

"Hey Buffy, how are you? Oh my god! What did you do to Spike?"

"Why does everyone automatically assume I did something to him? Couldn't he have just been like this, through no fault of my own??"

"What's wrong with him?"

"I don't know." I was getting short with her, and she could hear the anger in my voice.

"Buffy are you okay? I mean do you have your soul?"

"Yes I have my damn soul!"

"You seem kinda cranky."

"You would be too if you woke up to Spike babbling like an idiot and making no sense, then having a moment of clarity, then turning back into an idiot!"

"It's okay Dawn, she's got an aura." Tara intervened.

"Fine, Buffy, Spike, come on in."

"You didn't need to invite Spike." I told her.

"We disinvited him in case things didn't go well." 

"Terrific."

I laid Spike on the couch. Even with vampire and slayer strength he was heavy. Tara leaned over to Willow and whispered something. I could hear every word.

"So Tara, Spike's got an aura too? Vampire here remember? Ears like a bat?"

"Yeah, well I think Spike has..."

"Don't even say it Tara, he doesn't have a soul unless you stuck one in him."

"Buffy, you know how my spells have a tendancy to go kinda wonky? Side effects and all that?" Willow started.

"Willow, please tell me one of the side effects wasn't this." I pointed to Spike.

"When we tied your soul to you, well..."

"What Willow's trying to say is we tied it to your blood. Vampires take blood, but they also give it back, we figured that Spike would give back enough of your blood to give you back your soul."

"You guys are amazingly stupid! We have been working on vampires for what, 6 years now? When they turn someone they don't give back all of the blood!" Frustration doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.

"We know that, we were sort of counting on something else."

"What that the stars would align and the whole world would become a pretty place full of puppies and Christmas mornings!?"

"We were counting on him making you into his Childe. He would have given you back more blood than usual, which hey, he did otherwise you'd be aura free." Willow said.

"Childe? What?"

"We better call Giles. Dawn could you?"

"I'm on it." Dawn went to the kitchen to get the phone.

"What did you two do? I should have known better than to trust any sort of magick from the two of you! With Willow's addiction issues, and Tara wandering around for the last 2 years as some sort of covert guardian I should have known not to trust the two of you!" I was mad, and hurt, and a little bit out of control.

"Buffy, we didn't mean to do this."

"So what! That doesn't make this better! I've got a crazy as hell Spike, and no pulse! Sounds like my unlife is going to suck just as much as my human life!"

"Buffy, calm down." Tara tried to stop me, but before I could control it I had changed. My game face came out and from the looks on their faces, I wasn't a pretty vampire. I think I may have growled.

"Fuck!" I was pacing and full of rage. I wanted someone to blame but there wasn't anyone.

"Love?" It was Spike.

"Shut up crazy freak! What are you seeing the fairies? Want to have some tea with a fucking china doll?"

"Love, you've got to calm down. It's the only way you'll snap out of face." Spike was lucid again, he grabbed my arm and was squeezing my wrist hard..

"Spike, something's happened to you, and it's their fault." I pointed at Willow and Tara.

"And love, something's going to happen to you like a stake through the chest if you don't wipe that look off your face before the watcher gets here."

I did my best to calm down and I felt my face shift back, he let go. "There, you happy now?"

"No, but at least you look better."

"Spike? How do you feel?" Tara apprehensively asked.

"Horrible. Yup, that about sums it up. Horrible."

"How do you think he feels? I think the agonizing screams should have tipped you off!"

"Buffy?" Spike rarely used my name, when he did I knew it was important, "What's got your knickers in a twist?"

"You've got my fucking soul in you, that's what's wrong!" The understanding spread over his face and his eyes rolled back up into his head, that's when the screaming and carrying on began again. "See? This is what you did to him!"

"You're only half right." Willow said sheepishly.

"What do you mean?"

"He's only got half your soul."


	15. Sweet Childe of Mine

Author's Note: I am going to use some character exposition to clear up the blood/soul concerns some of you have expressed. (see if you don't tell me what concerns you I can't fix it!). I hope this clears things up (cos to be honest I hadn't even thought about something like her losing a lot of blood to an injury or something). I also am soooo sorry that this took an age to produce. I was all sad about Angel being cancelled, and attempting to apply to grad school. I don't recommend applying to grad scool. Instead all my young readers, just go to university for a usable degree, not Anthropology. ;) Welcome to my new readers, I promise to be more floriferous a writer in the coming weeks!

Giles arrived within a haf an hour, looking disheveled and half awake. Dawn did have the sense not to call Xander, who most likely would have used this as a prime opportunity to stake Spike. Spike, well he had wavering in an out of consciousness. He was yelling one minute and crying the next. Apparently even half a soul was a bit too much on him. Giles ended up tranquilizing him, as he couldn't bare watching him like this anymore. To be honest I think all of us felt sorry for him. I guess though his lack of chip didn't matter so much now.

The rest of us sat at the table and talked about what may have happened.

"So Willow, tell me about this spell. By the way, next time, let's let Buffy in on all the details."

"Sorry about that. So this spell, we bound your soul to your blood, sort of a one time shot. You could lose the blood as long as you got it back. I think we sort of generalized and figured that any blood returning would bring back your whole soul not a percentage equivalent to what was given back. We were going for insurance with the whole Childe thing." Willow explained.

"Yeah tell me about that Childe thingy."

"Now Buffy, your average fledgling vampire when turned recieved basically enough blood to turn them, and that's about all. When a master vampire wants to make a Childe, they return nearly half of what they took. It's a very dangerous proposition for the vampire, as they are weakened afterwards. It makes the young vampire stronger, with less of an initial blood lust. They do this so that they are more likely to survive the fledgling stage, so assumably they can teach them everything they need to know. Stanard fledglings are just sent out into the world, and if they make it back to who made them they just become underlings. A Childe begins their time as something equivalent to a prince or princess to a king or queen. It is done because the master vampire sees this individual as someone worth investing the time in." Giles explained.

"Worth investing in?"

"Someone who may be a potential mate, or a fierce warrior, or even someone who seems to have the ability to become a master vampire themselves one day. Darla chose Angelus because she wanted a mate, someone she could keep around forever without growing tired of. Angelus most likely chose Drusilla because she had the sight, and would be very useful."

"And Drusilla wanted a mate so she made Spike. All of them are Children?" I was starting to get this.

"Childer."

"Great, I turn into a vampire and all the lingo changes."

"Had Spike not turned you into a Childe you wouldn't have enough soul to be worthwhile, and he'd most likely be in even worse shape than he is now."

"Is there anything else I need to know about this Childe thing?"

"Well, from what we know, which is very limited, a Childe has a certain bond with their Sire."

"A certain bond?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that a little vague?"

"I told you what we knew was limited."

"Great." This was just perfect, 'a certain bond' could it get more vague? "Okay back to this whole soul thing. I thought as the slayer that I would keep my soul even if turned, sort of one of the benefits of the gig?"

There was dead silence, I'm talking pin-drop silent."Well guys? Any ideas?"

"I-I-I think that the spell may have ruined that." Tara finally spoke up.

"What?" If I was a breathing member of society, I'm pretty sure I would have gasped. Considering my Undead American status, instead I kind of growled.

"What Tara means, is if it were true, then the spell over-rode it. But it was always pretty much only a rumor. We have few accounts of slayer's being turned. Actually there was only one, but she didn't last long enough to ask. The Council staked her within 24 hours." Giles added.

"What, the Council didn't want to dissect her to see what vampirism did to her insides? I mean isn't that the sort of thing they would be into?"

"They would have, had she not eaten her watcher."

"Oh. Terrific." I had no more words. Spike started twitching on the couch. "I think he's waking up. Someone needs to explain what's going on to him."

"Of course." Giles said and stood up.

"Someone who's not you Giles. Someone that's me." I got up and walked away. I picked Spike up and carried him upstairs to my room. The thing is, I usually would have felt bad leaving things unfinished with them, but for some reason I just couldn't care.

I laid him on the bed, not really knowing what to do. I wanted to help him, I just didn't know how. Spike would kick my ass for saying so, but I remember when Angel came back from hell, and how crazy he was, I didn't want Spike to have to go through that alone. I couldn't help Angel but I could help Spike. I just, I guess I sort of blamed myself. I screwed up Angel and he turned evil, and then had to go to hell, and then had to come back only to go away, because of me. Now what should have been a simple siring, had royally fucked up his life. Buffy plus vampire never equals anything good.

* * *

I blacked out. I think. Although I'm not sure thinking is a word I should throw around as not much of anything was making sense. One minutes I was in my crypt, the next I was in Buffy's house. And now, I was in her room. I think I was. It was dark, and stank like her, and I could see the little flowers from her wall paper everywhere. It was then that it dawned on me that I was staring at a wall. I never claimed to be a rocket scientist.

My head was fuzzy. Patches of missing time I raced to fill just weren't there.

"Spike? Are you awake?" Buffy asked hesitantly.

"If being awake gets me staked, then no." I groaned and rolled over to face her. She looked mildly concerend but mostly irritated. "What's wrong, pet?"

"Do you want it alphabetically or in order of importance?"

"That bad? Is there another apocalypse, I could have sworn we had about 3 months until the next one."

"Here, you might wanna eat." She handed me a mug of blood. "I already ate." I must have looked shocked, "Not my friends, pigs blood just like you."

"Good. Er, how're you doing? Think I've been out of it a bit."

"That's the understatement of the century. I'm as good as dead." She laughed. Already cracking dead jokes, that had to be a good thing. 

"So what's going on? I've got a head full of fog and plenty of missing time on my hands."

"We tranquilized you. You were thrashing, and I, we, were worried you'd hurt yourself in a dusty way. So we knocked you out."

"Oh, good. Why again?"

"You've been freaking out, screaming and well, sounding a lot like an Angel back from hell slash Drusilla hybrid."

"Lovely."

"I need to tell you something, but you've got to promise two things. One, that you aren't going to freak out and do something stupid."

"I think I can do that."

"Two, you need to answer some questions for me. Think of it as an exchange of information."

"I don't like the sound of this."

"You haven't been lucid enough to be of much help to me Mr Slayer Sire."

"Okay." She was testier than usual. I'd have blamed it on female trouble, but that just wasn't possible anymore.

"The spell that the Scoobies did, well it had an interesting counter effect."

"An unplanned sort of effect? Bloody magicks! I told you nothing good ever came of it!"

"Well, it's only half good."

"Half-what?"

"There is no easy way to say this, so here it goes. You have half my soul. Well, roughly half my soul. And apparently I am half soul-less. Together we make a whole soul."

"Soul? I-I-I have half a bloody soul?!?" I could feel the anger boiling up in me.

"Only half, and it's my soul, not yours. It's not really a big deal. Except you seem to be going through what I think Giles called a 'soul imposed purgatory period.' I think that's Watcher talk for guilt."

"Stupid fucking witches! I should have known not to trust them. I should have known! Now I'm all a bit of a mess aren't I? That's the holes in time in'it? Sod this, I'm leaving." I got up to go.

"You aren't going any where. Remember, the 'no stupid Spike moves' agreement? Yeah, me and my vamp-slayer strength are gonna have to enforce it. And trust me, that little piece of soul-less Buffy really is itching for some violence. It won't end pretty." She said dryly as she pushed me back down. I could sense she wasn't joking.

"Well I hope the lot of them are working on a way to get rid of this, soul."

"What? My soul isn't good enough for you?"

"No, it's not that, it's just, well, it's your soul. You should have it."

"Well, consider yourself lucky, had you not turned me into your kid or whatever you'd have almost all my soul!"

"My kid?"

"Yeah, you're.., shit, what's the word..?"

"Childe. That's the word." I sighed. Did her watcher have to know everything?

"Yeah, what the hell does that mean?"

"It means I took a bit of responsibility."

"Oh terrific. So what, now I'm your pet project? Or was this some sick way to make me your love slave for all eternity? Cos if that was your plan, you've got another thing coming mister! Half-souled or not, I'll stake you for that kind of thing! I mean that's just inscestuous if your like my father!" She was furious. I could hardly blame her.

I closed my eyes and started slowly, quietly. "You are the first. My first childe. I'd never met anyone that I could consider worthy of such a station." I could feel her anger subsiding, and her eyes fixed on me. " You can't stake me. Sort of one of the benefits of childer. They can't stake their sire. Just as I cannot stake you."

"Is that it? Insurance against staking?"

"No, there is more. It is my duty to teach you things about where we come from, all that philosohpy of being the undead crap. We are connected forever. I will always know where you are, and vice versa. If you are in danger I will feel it, I feel your pain, your anger, your emotions. I know you don't think we have any, but we do, and you'll learn that too. In the event that Angel, Dru and myself are killed, you will be responsible for the line. Only childer can take over a clan, or line, and now you are a part of that. I guess we're all a bit of a mockery now though, considering Angel's soul and mine and yours."

"What else?"

"Well, no one else in the line can hurt you."

"But Angel went after Darla..."

"But Angelus didn't. Just as Angelus had plenty of opportunities to dust me, Angelus can't hurt either of us. Angel's soul will stop him from knocking us off now cos we're half breeds. Drusilla, well she could go after us, with the soul having and all but she's still delusional she can save 'daddy' so I'm sure 'sweet Willy' would fall into that catergory now as well. Darla's gone. Master too. So that pretty much wraps up that. Other vampires, well they can kill you, your own fledglings can too, they don't carry enough of the blood line to stop themselves."

"The blood line stops you?"

"Self preservation and all that rot. Watch." I grabbed a stake and plunged it at her chest, it stopped not centimeters from her skin. "See? I couldn't do it if I wanted to. Even half a soul prevents that. The whole soul will override the blood thus Angel can happily kill off his childer and sire."

"Childer? I though Drusilla was it."

"Dru, an' me."

"Oh. This is a lot more intensive and confusing than I thought." She put her head in her hands as she sat down. There was more than this, but it could all be revealed slowly, she didn't need all the details immediately.

"Have you slept at all? You aren't up to full strength yet, you're probably stretching yourself a bit thin right now."

"Yeah, and you haven't gone all 'oh the pain' in nearly a half hour. I'm not losing this opportunity to figure out what's going on. To figure out what I am." She sounded strangely lost.

"Buffy? Are you okay?"

"It's like I'm being torn in two. I feel guilty that you are suffering yet am disgusted by both yours and my soul. My temper, well I never had much of one before, and now I'm like a damn powder keg waiting to blow."

"You'll learn to control yourself. It'll come. Eventually keeping yourself under control will come as easily as breathing did." I patted the bed next to me, "Come here." She slid off her chair onto the bed. She started crumbling before my arms were around her.

"I feel really fucked up Spike. I don't know what's right or wrong, and I'm just confused. I thought this was supposed to fix things. I thought I was just going to stay the same, but it's all screwed up."

"Shh... it'll get better." I held her, until my head started spin and ache. "Buffy?" I barely got the words out beofre I pinched my eyes closed and saw them. All of them, hundreds maybe thousands of them were there, inside my head. People I killed. People Buffy's soul now had to feel guilty for.


End file.
